Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Another gem.


A real gem, honest.  This little diamond encrusted brooch is actually an Alaskan Wood Frog which becomes an froggy ice block during the freezing winters.  It stops breathing and its heart stops beating.  When spring arrives the frogsicle thaws out and goes on its way.  I love it.  Reminds me of mother who keeps coming back to life but without the cuteness factor.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Phobias


Chairs are not a phobia with me unless you count having to leave them on the side of the road during hard rubbish collection and this is a brilliant idea for two old chairs.  I also hate to admit that Andrew was right when I last mentioned grabbing a chair from the hard rubbish, I have the paint and the chair but the two haven't met yet.  It's a long engagement going on 3 years now but one day, they will meet.

But, phobias, I haz a few starting with making a list of the phobias I have since it's scary how many things frighten the crap out of me.  Right up in the top ten of frighteners are big shiny needles.  Now I use needles all the time, in fact after this I'm going to the stove with an enormous darning needle to clear out the gas jets from the cleaning Jiff I used yesterday before the damn gas decides to do it for me.

I am talking about syringe type needles.  The type that is going to shoot Cortisone into the bones of my right foot to stop the flare up of arthritis that's causing the current episode of pain.  I have a phobia of people touching my feet, actually anything touching my feet that lives in seawater, especially something I can't see.  I'm rambling, I don't have a phobia about that.  For Cortisone to work it has to go into the exact right spot, the very first time, see that there, FIRST time.  It says to me that they intend to keep trying until I can't feel the original pain because of the needle x-times pain.


If it was Doc Marvin, it might be okay.  I would keep any accidental kicking far away from the crown jewells but I'm having to go to a stranger.  A stranger will be jabbing needles into my foot..phobia.
I might manage if they go in from the top but any needles going underneath is going to need me biting down hard on something or someone.  I've had needles in the feet before but I didn't know until I was already flat out and hadn't thought to ask where they were putting the radioactive dye and would have run for the door if they'd told me it was going between the toes and into the ankles. I have to say it was fun watching the snake like wanderings of my leg veins but between the toes, oh damn feck it hurt.

I don't have to make up my mind until the pain becomes too much so that I can't walk which is crazy because it doesn't hurt when I walk just when I stop. And believe me I cannot walk and eat ice-cream at the same time especially not on the treadmill, I have to hang on with two hands.  As a child I did have the ability to shove an icy-pole in my mouth and leave it there until it was long gone but like a lot of childish wonders, that too has long gone.   Not so my phobias. It could only be worse if they said they'd do it under water and I wouldn't see it.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Our Moon.


 The Galleries of eclipse photos are out and I think these are the best three I've seen so far.  Above is the International Space Station crossing the partial eclipse.  Copyright Thierry Legault.
 

This one of the full eclipse was taken mid-air by Paul Homback.


This one is of the famous 'diamond ring' just before the sun completely disappears.  The same diamond shine appears on the opposite side as the moon moves on.


Yesterday marked an Equinox and a new Moon.  The new Moon was at Perigee, the closest point of its orbit around Earth and marks the largest new Moon of 2015.  Add that to the Solar Eclipse and we didn't miss one bit of Moon Madness.  This particular madness would have started at least 3 days before and will end, hopefully, about 3 days into next week.

Did it affect me?  No, if I discount the vivid dreams sailing through my sleeping mind like a movie marathon, full colour and 3D which I remembered fully up to 2 minutes after waking.
Through the day, images would flash into my mind and disappear.  My stars said to be careful of machinery so I spoke respectfully to the computer and didn't slam the lid on the washing machine when the clothes tangled.  

Now the days start getting longer and the ghastly football rubbish begins.
                   

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up cat and gently hold in recumbent position between your upper left arm and body, its head grasped by your left hand.  Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks whilst holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop the pill in.  Allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Hold cat more firmly under left arm and try the same procedure again.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap.  Cradle the cat firmly in left arm, this time with head toward forearm as if holding a baby.  Hold rear paws and tail tightly with the left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Staunch bleeding and apply band-aid to deep scratches on left hand, retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call wife in from garden and ask her to assist.  Assure her again about not being necessary to take the cat to vet for such a simple procedure.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees.  Hold front and rear paws firmly.  Ignore low menacing growls from cat.  Get wife to hold cat's head firmly with one hand. Insert ruler into cat's mouth, drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Apply more band-aids and retrieve cat from curtain rail.  Get another pill from foil wrap. Make mental note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Sweep shattered Royal Doulton figurines from hearth, console distraught wife and consult household insurance policy for claim information.

8. Wrap cat in large thick towel and get wife to lay on top of cat so its head is just visible below her armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw.  Force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label on box to make sure pill is not harmful to humans.  Drink a large glass of water to get rid of the vile taste.  Apply band-aids to wife's upper arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.  Apologize again to wife for swearing and assure her you do like cats.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave its head showing.  Keep a firm pressure on the cupboard door with knee, force cat's mouth open with handle of tablespoon.  Get wife to flick pill down cat's throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to gash on chest and check medical receipts for date of last tetnus shot.  Throw out ripped and bloodied T-shirt and get new one from bedroom.  Apologize to sobbing wife for totally unwarranted remarks about women and plead temporary insanity caused by cat's violent attack.

12. Ring fire brigade and retrieve cat from tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbour who crashed his car into fence whilst avoiding cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's paws, bind tightly to dining room table leg.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold cat's head back and keeping spanner in mouth, pour half a carton of milk to wash pill down.

14. Try to calm wife, agree to see marriage counselor and get her to drive you to emergency room at local hospital.  Sit quietly whilst doctor stitches forearm and removes pill fragments from your right eye.  Stop by furniture store on the way home to order new table and book carpet in for steam cleaning.

15. Report cat's disappearance to RSPCA and ask them to arrange a new home for cat if found. Ring wife at her mother's to ask how she is.  Check freezer for tv dinners.


I did have a cat who took a pill quite calmly and waited until midnight for revenge, I have the scars to prove it.

Thursday, March 05, 2015

Inventions of note


Isn't this just adorable.  It's a quick Ferret muzzle for taking the ferret for walkies and it came to me that I must post it the minute I switched on the news this morning and the "Font of all Wisdom" was saying how he was going to save all of us (again).  Except for old people who are draining the land of money because we have a pension, a pension that we paid our taxes for and in an age when women were never considered in a superannuation scheme so most of us don't have that.  So you can see why the quick Ferret muzzle immediately sprang to mind. We'd still recognize him, the ears, you know.  The PM sort of lends himself to this, might even improve him but when I tried to picture Smokin' Joe in one I realized there'd have to be a bit of tinkering with the design.
 


And, and, and, it has accessories.  A Ferret activity tunnel no less.  He might have a bit of trouble because he has to go straight so the cross Ferret tunnel would be the go.  If it doesn't amuse him, at least it will stop him running in circles.  And the PA should look great toting the carry bag after she sticks a few shiny mirrors on the front so she can flash blind curious journos.

There you are, my contribution to the welfare of the nation, who says fat old pensioners are useless.