Friday, November 25, 2005
M AND M'S
I was supposed to go out last night but things didn't go exactly to plan. I wanted to meet members of the Victorian Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby and get to know them a little better. I'm very new to lobbying and it looks like it's going to remain that way. I'll still be a financial member but my support will be in thought only, thanks to my old dears who take up time and way too much strain on the emotions.
I expected M to have a delayed reaction to last week because she was too exhausted to have it last week but did she have to call just before I rang the taxi. I had already dealt with M-I-L who always checks to see if I'm going to see her because she can't remember which day I do see her. You would think the Blight would get someone to mark off the days on the calendar for her so she actually knows what day it is.
Back to M who thought it was next week I was going out and says she won't bother me now. I know that tone in the voice, the panic tone. My sister's not home, the brick outhouse is missing and now I'm going out. So I've got the phone in one hand, texting my sister on the mobile with the other while M asks me if she should take her anti-anxiety pills. Resisting the temptation to tell her to take the bottle and I'll resuscitate her in the morning, I finally get her calmed down. At that moment, the brick outhouse turns up and she's right, "Okay dear, you can go out now, I'll be fine". Well dear has thrown in the towel by now, it's late, it's supposed to storm and it's the worst time of the night to try and get a cab and there'll be another time to meet the lobby.
This is when I start beating myself up for wimping out. I had promised myself that this year I would try to make a difference and joining the lobby was a big move for me. Going to the Marriage Equality rally was the first time I had been in the city for nine years. I went by train and bus and I stood in a crowd of strangers, friendly strangers I might add, and didn't throw up or hyperventilate. That was a huge milestone for me and I haven't looked back.
I have to keep a lot of secrets from the old dears. I haven't done a lot for the lobby except for writing letters and getting this blog (another really big BIG move) where I can rant about all things homophobic. I just don't have the energy to look after three people and the world. I don't have the energy to explain why I'm doing this and why it's important. I can understand them though, sometimes stay alive another 24 hours is all you can think about and that's what they do and I'm part of that thinking.
So at this late hour, I'm being a bit more rational and have decided to give myself a bit more time to become a dyed-in-the-wool activist. Time to refine the writing, learn a bit more about the politics of lobbying and sharpen up the memory so I can remember where I dropped my reading glasses this morning because I can't keep typing three feet from the screen.