Friday, September 15, 2006


Yesterday I read a touching post at Mindless Munkey blogspot about the loss of his mother. I left a comment and today I went back and deleted it.

I couldn't leave it there because it wasn't right. A boy loses his mother only once. A mother loses a little of her boy with every extra step he takes away from her. A smart mother doesn't show it, she hides it. The first time he doesn't want a kiss because everyone's looking. When he'd rather play football than go shopping. His first girlfriend or boyfriend as the case may be.

When a boy, loses his mother it's the first loss for him. He will never be the same boy again. He now has to grow up on his own terms.

Mothers always have a spot deep in their subconscious where the dread thoughts are kept. We're never prepared for death or illness but in reality we are, because we're mothers. It's hidden in the fine print in the job description. It's not in the job description for a son, that only activates with the first cry of the firstborn.

While my heart goes out to Munkey, I can truly say, "I don't know how you feel".

Comment deleted.


janet said...

JT, some people have their blogs set up where they instantly and automatically receive an email containing any new comment. So you might want to let him know the reason why you deleted. A generous motive like Caring can never be wrong.

Gerry said...

An excellent thought, Janet. Oh shit, I'd better delete this comment now because I might be labelled "patronising".


The loss of a mother... Too heavy for me to deal with. Lost mine when I was 17. Didn't know how to grieve. Still don't.

I'll go read his blog item.

Davo said...

Mothers are strange people. Was holding the hand of mine when she, at age 89 .. expired .. for the last time. Very peculiar experience.

Link said...

That's how it should be Davo, full circle very neat.

I think we're born knowing that our mother's may die. The premature loss of our mothers lays down a foundation for a lifetime of fear, and our mothers in turn, build upon it when they fear losing us. A neat circle of fear. (with usually a good dose of loathing thrown in for good measure). Great.

The fear of an infant losing its mother is potentially life-threatening, it cannot rationalise an alternative outcome should she not return. But the fear of a mother losing her child, and projecting that fear?

Gawd, humans, there's so much I don't understand, it all seems so selfish and sometimes so without a point.

Davo said...

um, Link, the premature loss of any parent, methinks, lays down the probability of a lifetime of .. well, insecurity: not fear.

Andrew said...

Nice one Jah Teh. You and your commenters sure know how to make my Saturday night.

Daniel said...

The point is that it has no point, Link. It's just a meaningless cycle that repeats over and over for each new generation.

Don't look for meaning. Just enjoy the ride.

JahTeh said...

At last I'm in the comments and there's no word verification. What do I have to do, sacrifice a virgin? A bit hard with my commenters.

My father lost almost all of his family to TB during the depression and consequently wanted to wrap us in cotton wool and it was very hard to be independent. I never quite made it. My mother had to deal with my father dying when he married her, he survived but she never lost the feeling that someone she loved could just disappear.
Both Davo and Link are right, fear or insecurity, there is a cycle that we never quite break.

JahTeh said...

Thanks for the tip Janet.

The Bear, patronising, hahahahahaha! Get off the cask plonk, gastric reflux indeed as if I haven't enough to worry about with the world, me ma and the cat.

JahTeh said...

Congrats Andrew, who'd have thought a bloke could talk for two years.

Daniel, just at this moment I'd like the ride to slow down a bit. (btw where did you get the weird 'roo?)

Zoe said...

Jahteh, I completely empathise with your feeling of loss with every milestone our kids go through. Only mums could relate to that one.

I agree Daniel, Its a life cycle and its not pleasant but its much better burying a parent than the other way around. Now that is real loss! xx

Gay Erasmus said...

JT, everything you've written here has helped me in ways you cannot possibly know. Thank you for your beautiful words and sentiments.

Helen said...

That's a beautiful post JahTeh. And your own mum is definitely lucky to have you.

mindlessmunkey said...

Hi JT,

I did get your original comment, and actually didn't realise it had been deleted, until I saw your post here. Thanks for your thoughts and words.

One of the most terrible memories I have from the time my mother died, is of her own mother - my Grandmother. She not only outlived her child, but her youngest child, who she didn't even have until she was in her forties. It was inconceiveable and devastating for her. Although a strong 90-year-old, she needed help to stand on several occasions.

I find it a bit discomforting that your commenters are using words like "fear" and "insecurity". I would have called it "love". Yes, love contains fear; it's part of the package. But you can't know the bitter fear of losing someone, without loving them first. And in my experience, even with the fear, the love is worth it.


JahTeh said...

GE, I know you're going through a lot at the moment but I also know you'll be fine.

MM, Love is always worth whatever pain goes with it and I'm glad you've found love in your life.