Sunday, July 05, 2009

STILL CLINGING ON

There's nothing like a butterfly to make me happy especially when this one is making a re-appearance in British fields after nearly going the way of the Dodo.

The Bitch Queen of the Universe is living up to her name and making life difficult.

My sister said this morning that she hates our mother with a passion. I would like to be able to say the same but even a negative emotion like hate is beyond me. I don't think of her at all, not as my mother. She's merely someone who plonked down in the beanbag of my life and hasn't left.

I pay the bills, get the groceries but pleasantries have gone by the board. She has lied to me for the last time although 'lie' doesn't really apply to someone who lives in a lala land of her own making. She fabricates a reality in which other people believe.

I am not sleeping. I am eating far too much of the wrong foods. I found apples in the fridge that must have been on speaking terms with Eve. I shake all the time. I refuse to increase medication that took me three years to decrease. My blood pressure would power two people.
The empathy I used to feel for this woman has dissipated.

All I can think of now is how to cling to sanity until my life is my own. I can't even imagine what I will do with a life of my own.

14 comments:

Helen said...

(((JT)))

nailpolishblues said...

Well, first off there's the annual grave dance...

R.H. said...

Why not go to her doctor with your sister, see about a nursing home.

And Helen, you foolish woman, grow up, what you've written is a pack of lies. Veniamin was a nice bloke, you didn't know him. And he was shot while standing in a passage, not while eating pasta, as you stupidly suggest, trying for a laugh.

These folks lives -unlike yours, are anything but boring.

River said...

Sounds to me like you really need a break. Isn't there anyone at all who could take over? Even for a week? ANYONE? What if you were ill enough (from stress maybe) to be bedridden for a week, who would step in? Even if your mum has a tantrum and insists that you are the only one, I don't think this is at all fair. Could you perhaps trade off with your sister on a week by week basis? What about this BrickOuthouse person? (I've forgotten the relationship, but he's a family member, right?) If only I lived closer. I'd help, with the grocery shopping part at least, maybe a few other things. I remember there being some reason for not having her in a nursing home, maybe things have changed enough so you can get her in one?

Link said...

Yup, sounds like time for respite care, JahTeh, either for you or teh mother.

Link said...

The mini-mental health team told me I should consider my mother's blatant, mischief making lies as nothing more than, 'fabrications'. Oh yes? Very PC I suppose. Bloody lies I say. A rose is a rose is a rose, not a fucking iris. Ah that feels better. Anger release therapy JahTeh, you need to beat the crap out of some inanimate object. Smashing bottles? Rug beating? Anything you can use all your force on while cursing loudly and freely, being mindful not hurt yourself etc.

JahTeh said...

Thanks Helen but hugs only work if you've suddenly morphed into Alan Rickman. I heart his grey hair.

Jeebus Nails, what do you mean 'annual', we have a weekly wish one.

Robbert, it's amazing how she can look and act normally when anyone mentions 'nursing home'. Besides it would be worse, I'd have to travel to see her, at least now I can ignore her at a small distance.

River, my sister's in the final weeks of her medication course and stressed to the max. She's a terrific nurse but the exam this week is mathematics and you can't get anything less than 100% or you're out. Then there's two weeks of clinicals and after that, the final exam.
BrickOutHouse is my nephew who stays there at night otherwise she would have had to go somewhere before this. There are only the three of us and we really didn't expect the situation to drag on like it has.

Link, respite care nearly killed me two years ago. By the time I sewed all the name tags on, got all the packing done, fixed up supplies and got her there, I nearly booked a room. As for nursing homes, it's gone past the time when I have to energy to find one and fight to get her there. And she would go downhill very quickly so I'd feel guilty because I'm am the type of idiot who would.
Would you believe she passed the last mini-mental test?

It's given me some serious thinking to do about my own situation and what to put in place.

Jayne said...

You seriously need a break - no, not her neck even if it does sound pleasant - but you'll need to get the ball rolling coz the govt insists that a tiny amount of money will cover the bajillions of people being cared for at home.

JahTeh said...

Jayne, I go Mondays to do the washing and stuff, Thursday is paying bills day and I've left the shopping list over there (bugger) then the next week is Monday and Friday. Doesn't sound much but there are the phone calls and the sorting out of the fantasy and reality. Since she has the attention span of a gnat, telling her to shut the fuck up is forgotten after 10 minutes so I can do it every day and it doesn't make a whole lot of difference.
And I know I don't have it bad compared to a lot of carers, it's just that when I got divorced I thought I might have a life to call my own instead I'm still thinking for two people.

Kelly & Sam Pilgrim-Byrne said...

JT, we're worried about you. Isn't there someone who could give you some time out?!

JahTeh said...

Thanks Muriels but it's not the physical although walking in the rain and cold gives me bad temper but the mental effort of trying to sort out what is going on. Perhaps I am too much of a control freak to let things flow.

River said...

"....serious thinking about my own situation and what to do...."
Heh. Years ago I told my younger daughter that if I ever became a blithering idiot who couldn't even remember her own name she's not to let me or the others suffer with taking care of me. "Just take me out the back and shoot me", I said. She cheekily replied, "why don't I save time and shoot you now? I could really use all that furniture of yours and the TV, books etc" We agreed she should wait.......

JahTeh said...

River, that's the problem, no family to annoy when I go gaga. I don't know where my sister or nephew will be in 5 years time, hopefully not still here in purgatory.

Middle Child said...

God Jahteh...its immoral for a mum to claim the life of her kids...
knowing you you wouldn't just refuse to help...maybe your sister and you might have to do this and wear the censure of the pretty little social workers who clock off at 5pm on fridays...
its so hard...the way things sound your health may go down before hers...please take care okay