Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I CAN'T SAY I WASN'T WARNED

I was told I would fall flat out when everything was settled but, hey, I can handle that.
I can't.
The migraine has been followed by total inertia.
The only reason the bed will be made tonight is because I dragged all the cat be-furred sheets off it this morning. I did change the doona cover, took 40 minutes to do that.
I moved one piece of furniture.
I talked the mowerman into taking out the bins for me.
I fed the birds.
I fed the cat, twice.
I had breakfast about midday.
I don't remember when I last had a shower.
I do remember when I cleaned my teeth, I threw up in the basin, bloody migraine.
I am surrounded by things I must do but can't be bothered summoning up the energy.
In my mind everything has magically sorted itself into its proper place without any trouble but the reality is that they're still sitting on the floor.
I don't want chocolate.
I don't want a G&T.
I don't even want ice-cream.
Why am I in the pit?
Because the whole ghastly parade of my life is in photographs that I've inherited from mother. Every time I pick up another page to keep or throw out, there I am in the middle of another miserable memory. My mother said I was a quiet child, always sitting in a corner if we went out. Did she ever think to fucking ask why I did this? I was terrified of everything around me, people, noise, new places, kids being kids, cruel mostly.
So what does this have to do with now?
Buggered if I know but it's great therapy to tear up photos.

15 comments:

Ann ODyne said...

oh hear hear on the photos. I ripped a lot up myself recently, but got depressed just seeing them again.
I'm depressed just seeing my father again after decades of peace.
Condolences on the damn migraine.
Some of the best people suffer them, if that's any consolation.
X X X

Fen said...

go easy on yourself, give yourself time, things will shift again.
I took my cat furry sheets off the bed today too, between my hair and the cats I'm sure we could stuff some cushions!

Andrew said...

You can't destroy your past by ripping up photos, never mind that you are destroying your history and depriving those in the future who may be interested. Of course they might just torch all the old photos of boring old aunt too.

R.H. said...

Don't remember when you last had a shower?

Wooh!- we're compatible!

X.

R.H. said...

Your Valentine's poem is ready, I don't know if I can wait till Sunday.

A poet gets anxious to show his work, a poetess will show you anything.

Elisabeth said...

I cut up photos once and burned the half that included the offending partner. It was theraoeutic.

This is so sad here, Jahteh - to think of your child self silent in a corner, with a mother who never bothered to ask why.

Migraines pass eventually. I hope yours does too. Take care now.

Jayne said...

I'll have a non-alcoholic ginger beer for you, J.

WV= hytearie sounds like a bonnie wee Scottish ailment some television archaeologist might suffer in too tight shorts...

JahTeh said...

Annie O, I kept doing that trick of covering the face except the eyes, the eyes are never smiling.
Why did brides keep asking me to be flower girl? I was always miserable and invariably ended up with a headache or chucking somewhere.

Fen, I have just made the bed, fresh lovely linen, clean doona, plumped up pillows and guess who landed four feet first on the cleaness. She's been sleeping by the computer for 3 days so apparently my housekeeping skilz are not to its liking.

Andrew, I kept some but got rid of all people I didn't have a clue about. I'll end up culling quite a few of mine when I get those albums out although 'He who ran off with bimbo' has already been culled. Funny how many photos of him had a bird drapped around his shoulder or he was usually so pissed his eyes crossed looking at the camera.

Robbert, you should never show anything until it is polished beyond perfection. I will shower tonight, the sheets are clean.

Elisabeth, my mother's only thought was to keep my father alive. He was her life and she had him until he was 70. There were plenty of accidental pregnancies in those days but for a 17 year old to do it deliberately was a big decision but it was the only way they could marry. TB patients were not encouraged to have girlfriends let alone marry. I think terror was all around me, my father was terrified he would give the disease to us (his family were almost wiped out)and mum was terrified she would lose him.

Kath Lockett said...

Whatever works for you, JahTeh.

I'm on pills at the moment that are working, yet it hasn't stopped me from listening to my Chinese sister-in-law as well so I'm also wearing a gold pig on a chain around my meck!

Middle Child said...

Vomiting Migraines are the worst - touch wood I haven't had one since I became Menopausal...you may have killed a Chinaman in a past life from the sound of it...
so sorry your mum didn't notice...I was blessed with a mother who noticed most things - sadly she died too young - funny how things go that way - hope you feel better soon

hazelblackberry said...

hang in there but, equally, don't feel any pressure to keep going on. You probably need to stop for a while. You're dealing with a lifetime's worth of memories and shit, on top of all the recent emotional and physical burdens, so feel free to stop for as long as it takes.

River said...

Sorry to hear about the migraine J. Perhaps if you just ditched the albums without looking at all of the photos? or give them to your sister? My mum gave me a couple of albums a week before she died, one has old black and white photos that I hadn't seen since she left home when I was seven. The other has photos of later days, and the photos of my kids that I sent her over the years. Before this, years ago, she presented me with a folder filled with photos and certificates detailing my family tree from 1864 to the present generations. It's a real treasure and I made copies for each of my kids so they can continue. I remember I never liked my mum much, but the photos give me pleasure when I look at them.
I hope the migraine passes quickly. So sad to think you don't even want icecream right now. Get the albums/photos out of your house, I'm sure that will help.

JahTeh said...

Jayne, that word verification sounds more like me at the moment.

Kath, fortunately my migraines are always tension induced so if I hit the medication before she gets going I'm fine because I sleep it off.

Therese, I think mums of our generation died of plain overwork or undiagnosed conditions. They'd come through the depression, world war with the rationing and most of them would have been giving their kids some of their own food.

HB, it's the divorce you're having when you're not actually having a divorce. It's easier to separate from a piece of grunge than one's mother.

River, there are some photos that have to be kept for the grandkids but not people who are dead and gone. I've got most of them out of those magnetic albums and now I'll go through them again and just keep doing that until our family is represented and I know the story of that particular photo.

Helen said...

Sorry to see you're doing it hard Witchy. I read somewhere about how in the olden days people used to 'take to their bed' and how you never hear about people doing this these days. I think it would be a fine thing to Take To Your Bed for a while with cats, chocolate and some good books, not forgetting some long sleeps. That's what I'd do. But you're not me, I understand! (oh the brilliant insight!:-))

w/v = Spargize. If all else fails I recommend you get spargized asap.

Kelly & Sam Pilgrim-Byrne said...

So sorry to hear that everything's so poop right now, JT.

We're thinking of you.

Did you get my email about us coming to Melbourne for a short time?