Wednesday, December 01, 2010

On the couch.

Yes, I would like to be lounging around on that couch but it's the other one I mean. The uncomfy one that costs a mint in Psych fees to work out what gone wrong with the jingle bells suddenly turning into Big Ben and rattling the rafters.

48 hours of soul searching and charging myself exhorbitant fees of chocolate chip cookies and I may have it all sorted. The problem is still here but it's my unfortunate job to find a way of dealing with it other than defenestration and burial in the golf course.

l. Tension is a 29 year old child with problems she doesn't want to or is unable to, resolve. She tried a new shrink but I suspect he was straight with her and she went back to the old shrink who is probably buying the island of Hawaii on the profits.

2. My antipathy towards Tension came up about two years ago when she lied about me to the BOH and cause an almighty ruckus in the family and I had to back away. You don't get to do that to me twice.

3. It's his choice to stay with someone he says he waited for and loves. They say love is deaf, dumb and blind but at his age he can't be that shuttered. Although when I look at Brynne and dear 'on the edge of the coffin' Edelstein, I wonder. But he is living her life, her hours, her dramas and as I spent 30 years living other people's lives, I don't want him to waste any more of his.

4. If anything I said made them break up and I see him sitting alone, staring at a big empty in his life, I'd probably open a vein. At the very least I would be heartbroken for him. At most I would hate myself. If my sister did it, well, she's his mother and I could distance myself from the disaster.

5. Why has this blown up to such a major eruption in my life? I've been alone for 10 years and suddenly I have people in the house. One is easy to live with even with 4 cars in the drive and dirty socks procreating in the laundry basket. The other visitor (visitor but would love to live in) is like a giant black hole in my universe. She sheds nothingness like the cat sheds hair and the teen voice in the woman's body sets my inner bitch on scream. She has no boundaries and respects no-one else's.

6. After words on Monday, quiet words, no shouting or abuse, I realize I have to back off and give him space to recover physically and mentally from 12 months of pain. He had another tooth pulled yesterday and the dentist came out while I was paying and offered him some oxygen before he left. He did look a bit pale but was more relieved that it wasn't the two back teeth that have the roots impacted together and needs an oral surgeon for the ripping out of. Last night he went to see Tension for a few hours. The house was so quiet, I'm ashamed to say I was so happy to be sitting there in my old nightie nibbling on the last choc chip cookie.

7. My weight has boomed. As Toby Green once said in an article on bingeing, bulimia and anorexia, "Who are you eating at?" Don't I know the answer to that one. When the great unloved left me, I had two years of freedom to be me and I lost 20 kilograms with the sheer joy of living for me. So I must stop this now before the Christmas sales when I tend to pig out on the half price puddings and mince pies and the sales are so close.

8. My Christmas wish for the loved nephew is for him to find his own place which he has never had. A place for his books, dvds, computer, tv, his cuckoo clock, room for a pony and a 4 car drive. A place to find out who he is, to grow, to feel at ease with being alone and to find out that socks come in pairs if you just fold them together. Oh, and there is no such thing as the 'Underpants fairy' you do have to wash them yourself.


Jayne said...

You gotta let go what you can't change.

Anonymous said...

her parents must be wondering why she lives in your house?
ask her for rent at the market rate.

the stresses of Xmas are so very un Christian.

Just keep looking out for YOURSELF.

JahTeh said...

Jayne, I found this declaration of emotional well-being.
"I am responsible for the thoughts I think and the things that I choose to pay attention to and my actions that's only a thought!"

Anon, she only visits but the irritation lingers on. The only Christmas stress I have are the scales. I'll just throw a towell over them until January.

River said...

JahTeh, I have no words of wisdom for you, but I hope things work out for the better. At the very least I could eat a share of those choc-chip cookies for you.

JahTeh said...

River, I know you're on a diet, don't try to con me out of my choc chips. Things will work out, Christmas is always a crap time for me and I need to be alone. Some hope with mother's shopping and being down at the home for fish and chip day, residents Christmas party, relatives meetings.

Brian Hughes said...

"Oh, and there is no such thing as the 'Underpants fairy' you do have to wash them yourself."

Bloody Hell!? Who was that in my bathroom the other night then?

JahTeh said...

Honey, baby, sweetie, you're back. We've all missed you. Lovely weather you're having, best snow in 17 years. I gather the digging season is over for the year?

Sedgwick has been known to don a tutu or two and loves to wash.

River said...

*fingersnap* Rats! Reaches for apple...

R.H. said...

Hi. Bingo this evening: three potato cakes, assorted sandwiches, three dim sims, two jam amd cream scones, (the latter to live for).

Dept of Social Enquiry. Monash.

R.H. said...

Psychiatry is useless, it can tell if you're mad but can't fix it. Every talk-science: counselling, etc, is useless.
Talk to a friend.

JahTeh said...

Robbert, what a good idea, talk to blog friends most of whom are as batshit insane as I am. I might as well talk to the mirror.
All that food, I hope your stomach explodes.

River, at least reach for a peach.