Not the grey rapture everyone is reading but the other one where all us saints ascend into the great but glorious "Above".
I must be going there because I've been to hell. It's full of little old ladies with a multitude of personalities that take turns. Sweet one minute, Chucky the next. Speaking of Chucky that doll I'm dressing is turning into Bride of Chucky. While I was updoing the hair this afternoon, its arm fell off and I spent the next hour sewing it back into the rubbish stuffing of the upper bit and ended up glueing the damn thing in.
Little old ladies, you've heard the tales of Annie Joyce and Eva, henceforth to be known as Butch and Sundance. Mother is not well, she's in pain in the spine, goddess knows why, she's taking enough painkiller to knock out Black Caviar so I go down dragging sundries she needs.
Quiet afternoon until Butch and Sundance decide to make a break for it. There are three doors to get through and one has to be unlocked by a code.
'Can you reach the handle?'
'If we could just reach the handle I could help you across the road'
'But I'm not going across the road, I'm going to the bus stop'
'But you have to cross the road for that unless you're going the other way'
'You don't have to look out for me, you've got further to go'
'No I haven't'
'You don't know where I'm going so how do you know you haven't got further'
(let me interrupt and tell you why they can't reach the handle. Both of them have their walkers in front of them, between the door and the handle)
'Are you sure you can't reach the handle?'
'If we could just get the door open, we'd be on our way home'
'Well we can't reach the handle'
'If we go round the corner where the window is (nurses' station) we can go down the stairs (concrete floor) and come up the other side and we wouldn't need the handle'.
Butch and Sundance turn their walkers in synch like cheer leaders at a football match and make for the stairs.
Half way there, Sundance comes to a dead stop, 'where's my bag?'
Butch denies having seen it.
They both agree it must be down the stairs on the other side of the door.
Slightly further on.
'I could do with a cuppa'
'Is it tea time?'
'We could go and find out if we don't go down the stairs'
'The tearoom is better on this floor'
'Oh well, if you say it is, I wouldn't know about the tearoom downstairs'.
My mother can't hear a word of this and can't understand why I'm sprawled across the table trying not to laugh out loud. I wouldn't dare laugh anywhere near them, they'd have me run down in a minute flat or ten.
Don't bother leaving comments about how unkind I am, it's the only laugh these two have given me since they arrived.