Monday, August 26, 2013

Nothing like a good meme.


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

And why haven't any of these questions ever occurred to me before I received this meme email?


Elephant's Child said...

Loud smiles. Thank you. (Though our freezer does have a light.)

River said...

I like the first one about natural foods, it makes me feel better about stuffing my face with chocolate cake with cream. Which I am doing right now.

Andrew said...

There are some good ones there. I have resolved to be unhealthy and die quickly, rather than a long slow lingering in the half life process.

It must be a bit dated now though as freezers do have lights, LED no less.

M said...

love the weed V plant one! haha

R.H. said...

Sorry to be posting so late; I'm trying to tidy up the place for my trip to Cairns. Well I have to do it, my daughter is holding the fort while I'm away. What I'm mainly doing is hiding things, papers covered with extreme thought.
Health crazies make me sick, the latte set make me sick, and how's this, as I came out my gate on Sunday a jogging lady asked me if I lived there and when I said yes she announced she'd bought the place next door and Told Me they'd be putting a big garage at my side fence amd what's more her husband would be talking to me about it. I might be wrong but it seemed like he'd "put me straight" if I had any objection. What I really object to is the the way these gentrifying little bastards presume to tell us bogans (latte word) where it's at. Their dream is to live in North Fitzroy but they can't fucking well afford it now so we cop them here in the inner West. Man but she is excited!- a beginner, an apprentice at latte, this was her first jog, I can tell. Next weekend she'll be posed in that new Mason street cafe complete with latte and the arts section of the fucking Age. Well darlings I should have told her that with spotty skin like that she shouldn't wear singlet and shorts.
But no hurry, there'll be a time,
I'm dead sure.

BBC said...

My health foods are beer and wine.

JahTeh said...

EC, I'm sure my freezer doesn't have a light but then my old fridge didn't have a light for 15 years thanks to the ex jamming his beer bottles in there and constantly breaking the globe.

River, how could you? Chocolate cake and with cream and all I have is shredded wheatmeal biscuits and you get not satisfaction out of them.

Andrew, you have your mother's genes so I see you making someone annoyed and very unhappy before you go. Another bloody freezer light, like I need to see there's no ice-cream in there.

M, weeds are my best friend and geraniums since that's all I can grow.

Robbert, surely that wasnt' a hint that they needed a new side fence, don't fall for it. Poor Cairns, Hurricane Robbert is on his way.

BBC, that's not healthy, Bombay Sapphire is though with all those lovely herbs infused in the alcohol.

DK said...

You would like the sign at our local wine shop: I'm having fruit salad for dinner tonight. Well, just grapes actually. Fermented grapes in a bottle. OK, I'm having wine for dinner tonight.

R.H. said...

Snobs. They talk at you from great heights, like Moses delivering his sermon.
Really, you feel like you're applying for the dole.

R.H. said...

The more I think about this the more insulted I get, next time I see her I'll show her my cock.

JahTeh said...

DK, that's brilliant. A bit like me buying ice-cream and chocolates and throwing in a packet of sparklers and telling the check-out chick I'm having a children's party. It's self defence, fat people get abused these days.

Robbert, that's very uncouth unless you're planning to have her autograph it.
Mind you, just being able to find it at your age is a triumph.