Into the past to look at the future

And we all laughed didn't we.

And now it's goodbye Epstein.

And nobody witnessed the deed.

Rack off CIA, MI6 calls it in. 

Ear worms, nuisance, eye worms, hilarious

You pest, Highriser, you really started something with those T-shirts. Everywhere I looked I would find something that would look great on a shirt for you.  The one above would be from your long past drag days.

But much further down the track (R would agree) this one would just be right.
Actually it could be the bloggers motto from the early days, we're too old and lazy to be psycho these days.

Better to leave the weirdness to politicians.  We're going back to the early days with bushrangers trying to run the country and run with the money. What would you do if a Parliamentarian walked up to you and said, "I'll look after your purse/wallet, you can trust me."  You kick them in the kneecaps and run a mile.
That would be nasty on a T-shirt, Clive in speedos with his hand in the Treasury.

Now I have to go and look for the cat. Jimmy forgot about the cat and brought his dog in the yard and being curious he followed him into the house and spotted the cat's breakfast, didn't see the cat behind him.  The cat is terrified of dogs but so protective of his food that he fluffed up like a giant balloon and started growling. Apparently the dog, a timid Coolee (?) is terrified of cats and couldn't move what with the growling and hissing of the giant snowball.  The dog was picked up and taken out, the cat took one look at the empty plates and stormed off to the sewing room.  That was 3 hours ago, I think he's lost himself.

Down to the last magazine holder and I'll have two shelves empty.  These come from the 70s and what were we thinking about with fashion! Horrible big clunky shoes, almost impossible to walk in and definitely the skinny age of clothes.  There was only one way to hide a big everything, Caftans. I had several, still have two to use as patterns. Forget the shoes, I don't think I'd have the energy to lift my feet from the ground.
No matter how many memories of the glory days of youth, some things should be left in the past.  That includes photos of first boyfriends, I found one and my dear, those unfortunate ears.  I have torn up every letter and photo but there's always one lurking around to question one's taste in men and he was wearing platform shoes and flares but I suppose they kept him from flying off in wild weather.

I think I see a small light in the distance

Bright looking lot weren't we.  I've been going through dvds looking for photos of the family grave and came across this which I'm sure I used on a post about the last GrogBlog.  Since most of us in the early blogging days used a fake face and name, taking photos was very naughty and plus none of use had mobile phones that sneakily took photos, it was hard to get away with it.  I do remember Annie O'Dyne publishing one photo shot in a darkened pub of a publicity shy blogger who then gave her such vicious comments we were all shocked. I mean from what I can remember the place was so dark he could have been a cabbage on a stick.  GrogBlogs were fun if you could find the latest hole in the wall, alley,
side street, where we gathered and the usual instructions were to follow the raucous laughter.  Then the Appocalypse arrived in the form of FarceBook and the laughter moved on.  This photo made me laugh and then I found a folder full of LOLcats and laughed more.

I had to put this up since I had a run in with one who was quite comfy in the towell I was about to put in the washing machine.  Yes, it has been some time since I bothered about washing but I ran out of nighties. I have worn nighties since the first fall when I was without a stitch of clothing and had to drag myself to the lingerie drawer and all I could grab was some old rag with one sleeve missing.  I loved LOLcats but now it's all ads and clickbaits or youtubes.

I will be off to the Home (shudder) tomorrow to pick up my mother's Medicare and Pension cards and any other official papers that I think should have been sent to me after she died.  I have to do this before Thursday when another payment goes into her bank account.  I will be telling Centrelink just whose fault it is, you Mercy Health not for profit bull shitters. I will say Happy Birthday to the last one left of the ten year mob but if she start bawling, I'll be off. I know my brain has been running in 'stupid' mode but I really did think that if a resident died in a nursing home, they should have let Centrelink know.  I checked the list and one I missed was the Electoral Comm.  Mum was really wild when she was not asked if she wanted to vote in the last state election, Mercy Health make the decision for her, wrong move as her brain was still running at that stage and she gave them what for.  I think I also have to notify the tax office because she does have a tax number and getting that was a nightmare.

For Highriser.

Andrew I know you said you wanted the croc boots but I had these especially picked out for you.

I've seen your legs, these are just so perfect, ravashingly divine in fact.

Remember the old days?

 Those days when I would post skimpy vampy costumes for all of us on Halloween unfortunately we've all put on a little weight and those skimpies would have us arrested on sight.
But shoes we can get away with and are these the weirdest shoes ever?

I am not a snake person and these would give me the horrors especially if the Cobra heads moved as I walked.  Frighten the hell out of snotty kids trying to lift my sweeties.

Oh mine, mine. People have always said I had a big mouth and a sharp tongue but they go so well with those shifty eyes.  Tongue looks a bit long, I can see me stepping on it and doing an A over T.

Now this is why I go to a podiatrist.  My nails end up looking like this if I leave the visits too long between. No, I'm not going to call them my 'kicking kiddy' boots but my wicked side longs for a quick jab just for the fun of it.  I'm old and nasty and so are these boots.

I want these framed only because they remind me of my son.  His sneakers could be brand new on Monday and look like this on Friday.  Since I'm now reduced to wearing sneakers because of damn painful feet, I want to wear these.  People would never turn their heads at my beauty but hell's bells they'd do a double take at my exquisite footwear.  And no, it's not another 'kiddy biter' boot, I don't hate kids, just loathe the little ferrets because they can use an iPhone and I can't.

It's time for some intellectual dignity on this blog.

Columbian artist Fernando Botero (19 April, 1932) has an unique style of sculpting and painting.

How I would love this cat at the entrance of Parliament House, the idiot's door, you know the ones we stupidly voted for.  Every time a person tried to enter, bright laser eyes would shine and a voice would say "IQ undetermined. Common sense negligible. Pass politician".

 His rotund subjects are easily recognized as by Botero.  I've always wanted to be an artist's model especially if the artist looked like Leo DeCaprio which Botero doesn't but he painted big and my portrait does me justice.  No wonder I have crushed bones in my feet.  I saved your eyesight by leaving out the lavish nudes of myself, not just paintings but sculptures, all plus size.  The man had talent.

Oh yes, that would have been my kid, all curiosity.

I only said dignity, I didn't say tasteful.

He's got big feet though, so much for that old wife's tale.

The week in photos through a gin bottle

I was looking for something else and came across this.  It's all yours Andrew, because it will drive you crazy with the search engines to find out if it is true.  Russia has a big girl ballet company and she is a star.  With all the carry-on about obesity, the company might have to close because they are running out of big girls.

 Miss O'Dyne is unwell so I am posting a photo of Lily the goat. She's up in the paddock where Miss O'Dyne has an old trailer with a tarp on top to keep the rain off.  But you know goats, she is jumping down off the tarp where she has made herself a nice sunny hammock.

Margaret Whiteangel has been highlighting Port Fairy on her blog.  I loved this little town but it's probably changed somewhat since I was there in 1996 and this was the closest image I could find of the cottage where we always stayed which was called Lavender Cottage in Sackville Street. This one backs on to the river. The boys were too old to come on holidays with the old fogies and so glad I am when I think back on what horrors they would have done. The river, the back calm beach, the rough front beach,  I would have been lying down with a cold cloth on my head with the tension. No tower hotels here but I wouldn't have put it past them to try and climb the lighthouse.

Elephant's child is also not well so here is something to make you feel better.  A ginormous green freezing cold iceberg with a sprinkling of penguins. 

How could I not think of River (not well either) when I found this T-shirt.  I would have given this to Elephant's Child but she already has two cats so qualifies to be crazy already, a third cat might tip her over the edge.

Now that the horrendous month of March has passed, a month according to my stars that was going to be one of the star months of the year and absolutely wasn't, I might be able to be sensible in my blogging if I don't get ill or there are no mother emergencies. It's been a painful few weeks for us bloggers, change of seasons?  I know that having sinus at one end and cystitis at the other made it very dangerous to sneeze in the street. It couldn't possibly be the fact that we are getting older or maybe it's the horrors of another election where a drover's dog looks more intelligent than the parties we're supposed to support.  That must be it, I'm depressed just writing that.

Some people are so needy

Of course I didn't forget Andrew but you were on holidays and I didn't get a holiday but now you're home and away from children.

Enjoy and I'm sorry but I couldn't resist half unwrapping it.

God bless our Badass!

 

I really needed a laugh and this was it.

There's a few Australian names I bet she'd like to whisper to Bond.

No dignity at all

Well that answers that question.  If they can reach it, they'll play with it.

He said what and he's nearly what?

Shane Warne thinks we evolved from aliens.  I always thought he didn't quite fit this planet.  But he has an excuse, he's on a (pardon me as I choke with laughter) reality show.  I rather hope he gets bitten on the arse by an unevolved earth spider because ain't no-one is going to suck that venom out.

And the other hideous news belongs to Baarmy Joyce.  I never quite thought about this before but no-brain is just one heartbeat away from being Prime Minister. I don't care how much it costs, I want Turnbbot protected 24 hours a day, don't even let him get a paper cut in case it turns septic. Baarmy as P.M., just the thought is brain crushing. I wonder if there is a chance of stunning him and hiding him in the middle of one of those ghastly sheep ships where he won't be found until well out of Australian waters.

Every time I think of this country lately, I start humming "Somewhere over the rainbow".  Watching too much question time in Parliament will do that to you.  

And I really do have a unicorn and you can't prove I don't.

Penguins for Elephants

I went looking for a really good penguin photo for Elephant's child for her competition win and I was lost for hours.  Penguins everywhere and cute and I can't resist cute so you're getting cute penguin blog and liking it.

 How can you not keep calm watching penguins excepts with Attenborough who likes to draw your attention to every predator in the Southern Ocean chewing and chomping down on baby penguins. Not calming David!

 This is for calming sleep.  EC you will be dreaming of Antarctica and ice bergs and little swimmy friends all night.

And dreaming of all that water will bring about the usual consequences but I've got that covered as well.  That toilet roll holder is just the most and the only thing to make it better is a fishy voice screeching, "fill it up" when the roll runs out.

Just had to ask this question, do they have knees?  I mean they're a bit short on for legs so maybe knees aren't there but we should know this. We should know if penguins have knees.  And because this is keeping you up you should have a calming cup of something, gin, vodka, anything.

And while you are pondering the wisdom of penguins having knees, your cat is nicking your chocolate chip cookie and so it goes on, do cats have knees?

I've been at the Home so nothing for it but to cat blog

 I want it but I want two spoons, one spoon always gets broken.

 I've just spoken to my sister, I'm with you Bill.

 Cute but no saucer, no spoon!  One must keep up standards of tea drinking.

Be okay for the Bombay Sapphire though.

 I really stand out in the crowd, give me a bad day and I'll stand on the crowd,

 Brilliant thinking outside the square but they would still find the one bauble under the couch and play with that at midnight.

I'm still thinking of using the cat as a Christmas decoration but I haven't quite got the plum colour right. I'm not cruel, I'm using solar lights since he spends most of the time flat out in the sun so he might as well recharge himself.

I will call him silver balls.

What goes on the Web, stays on the Web

I try very hard to be anonymous on the Web. Wouldn't want my ex or his crappy wife to come calling and spoiling the ambience.

No photos except one taken 50 years ago. But always there's one pest that looks and finds out about my secret life as an artist's model with all that entails.

Thanks Jayne I'm sure I'll be able to find a way to repay the favour.

I miss the Bohemian life, Absinthe, mad artists, passionate sex (I wish I could remember sex) and wild dancing on re-enforced table tops.  That damn water was cold though and I'm sure pretty lights weren't the only things floating in it.  Chopped my hair short but still  have the Big A.  I wonder if it still glitters in the light of the full moon when I dance to the call of the Goddess.

Computer fixed but not politics

I just love a family gathering for the camera.  Is that a microphone I see hanging like the 'Sword of Damocles' over the little group?

Considering that Dutton was gaffing with Morrison and Abbott, we'd have enough dirt to fill in half of Canberra's lovely lake for a new refugee camp.

Wait for their new film, "Carry on up the Canberra", a comedy with subtitles that bear no relation to the words they're actually speaking.

A LNP production financed by truckloads of bullshit.

Please, never let this end.

Once the dam breaks, it just keeps flowing.  I'd like to know if she has a secret slush fund for hair spray.

Okay I needed a week of laughs.  Dentist, X-rays, large needles and extraction of back molar and mother.  
I thought just one week for me after fixing up all the other crap this month but no, she just didn't want to worry me. It's never bothered her before.  Couldn't ring me, no credits on the phone but forgot I can ring her.  Thursday I get a call and she has a headache again.  Thursday night I get a call from a friend who tells me she hasn't had her proper breakfast for 4 days because the kitchen ran out of Weetbix before the next delivery.  She's had rice bubbles.  This is just after I spent an hour re-doing her patient care plan about food and making it clear that she must have Weetbix and toast for breakfast.  It's the one meal she really looks forward to and if she doesn't get it, her blood sugar drops until lunch arrives, cue headache.
Our friend walked up to Coles, barely 5 minutes away and bought a box of Weetbix out of her own pocket.
I was going to put in a complaint but by the time I arrived on Friday through the freezing wind and sore mouth, if I had complained it would have been with a brick through the office window.  I had had enough.  Wouldn't you have thought that someone could have taken some petty cash and walked to Coles and bought the Residents breakfast.  Not that lot, it would mean admitting a mistake and they don't admit or explain or apologize. 

My stars at this time last year said I would have to look back 12 years to see what this 12 month cycle would bring since Jupiter the bringer of luck and whatever only travels your sign once every 12 years.  I did that and it was a great year back then, I even lost weight and I was happily divorced and looking forward to a new life.  It didn't happen this 12 months, it's been totally without joy.  I haven't even loooked to see which planet hoves into view at the end of August because it couldn't be any worse.

I did get an early birthday card, thank you to Aitkens Real Estate but it still won't make me sell you my house.  Selling up and running away with the money would mean I'd have to clean up and pack books, never going to happen.  Where would the four cars in the drive go? Would the Ice Bear cope with moving? Who would look after the filligree hamster if the stove was chucked out? 

Good old Bronnie, the only person who's made life fun for the last of my wondrous year.  

I love the smell of burning bronnies in the morning

Bwahahaha, keep them coming, they're better than Fat Joe's or the Bat Earred Monk's. 

 Hi ASIO, keep up the good work at the demo's.

Did someone mention Penguins?

I really don't care if this is photoshopped because I couldn't stop smiling at the penguin riding the waves on a dolphin.  I got lost in penguins while looking for something completely different.

This is genius. Instead of me dunking the tea bag he does it for me and with a timer.  My orange and cinnamon tea must take exactly 4 minutes of steeping or it's ruined so I'm always drinking crap herbal tea.

Instead of sewing up the cushions for my sister who is annoying me and possibly trying to take the title of Queen Bitch of the Universe because now that she's retired, she has the time to refine her bitching, I was looking at painting little animals on rocks.  I had owls and fish then I found penguins on plastic ice cubes.  Adorable and genuinely time wasting.

I need time wasting.  I looked up my diary for this time last year and my mother had a chest infection and was on antibiotics.  This year she has a chest infection and is on antibiotics.  My life is not Groundhog Day, it's Groundhog Year.

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up cat and gently hold in recumbent position between your upper left arm and body, its head grasped by your left hand.  Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks whilst holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop the pill in.  Allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Hold cat more firmly under left arm and try the same procedure again.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap.  Cradle the cat firmly in left arm, this time with head toward forearm as if holding a baby.  Hold rear paws and tail tightly with the left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Staunch bleeding and apply band-aid to deep scratches on left hand, retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call wife in from garden and ask her to assist.  Assure her again about not being necessary to take the cat to vet for such a simple procedure.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees.  Hold front and rear paws firmly.  Ignore low menacing growls from cat.  Get wife to hold cat's head firmly with one hand. Insert ruler into cat's mouth, drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Apply more band-aids and retrieve cat from curtain rail.  Get another pill from foil wrap. Make mental note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Sweep shattered Royal Doulton figurines from hearth, console distraught wife and consult household insurance policy for claim information.

8. Wrap cat in large thick towel and get wife to lay on top of cat so its head is just visible below her armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw.  Force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label on box to make sure pill is not harmful to humans.  Drink a large glass of water to get rid of the vile taste.  Apply band-aids to wife's upper arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.  Apologize again to wife for swearing and assure her you do like cats.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave its head showing.  Keep a firm pressure on the cupboard door with knee, force cat's mouth open with handle of tablespoon.  Get wife to flick pill down cat's throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to gash on chest and check medical receipts for date of last tetnus shot.  Throw out ripped and bloodied T-shirt and get new one from bedroom.  Apologize to sobbing wife for totally unwarranted remarks about women and plead temporary insanity caused by cat's violent attack.

12. Ring fire brigade and retrieve cat from tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbour who crashed his car into fence whilst avoiding cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's paws, bind tightly to dining room table leg.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold cat's head back and keeping spanner in mouth, pour half a carton of milk to wash pill down.

14. Try to calm wife, agree to see marriage counselor and get her to drive you to emergency room at local hospital.  Sit quietly whilst doctor stitches forearm and removes pill fragments from your right eye.  Stop by furniture store on the way home to order new table and book carpet in for steam cleaning.

15. Report cat's disappearance to RSPCA and ask them to arrange a new home for cat if found. Ring wife at her mother's to ask how she is.  Check freezer for tv dinners.


I did have a cat who took a pill quite calmly and waited until midnight for revenge, I have the scars to prove it.

Inventions of note

Isn't this just adorable.  It's a quick Ferret muzzle for taking the ferret for walkies and it came to me that I must post it the minute I switched on the news this morning and the "Font of all Wisdom" was saying how he was going to save all of us (again).  Except for old people who are draining the land of money because we have a pension, a pension that we paid our taxes for and in an age when women were never considered in a superannuation scheme so most of us don't have that.  So you can see why the quick Ferret muzzle immediately sprang to mind. We'd still recognize him, the ears, you know.  The PM sort of lends himself to this, might even improve him but when I tried to picture Smokin' Joe in one I realized there'd have to be a bit of tinkering with the design.
 

And, and, and, it has accessories.  A Ferret activity tunnel no less.  He might have a bit of trouble because he has to go straight so the cross Ferret tunnel would be the go.  If it doesn't amuse him, at least it will stop him running in circles.  And the PA should look great toting the carry bag after she sticks a few shiny mirrors on the front so she can flash blind curious journos.

There you are, my contribution to the welfare of the nation, who says fat old pensioners are useless.