Tuesday, November 22, 2005

IT'S NOT ME

After last night's 60 minutes I think I should state loud and clear that I am not that woman. Now you know how I like to play mental strip with every cute thing that catches my eye but no touching, never, ever, ever.

I like my men to have lived a little, can read a book without moving their lips, don't need a road map to a woman's body and have the training wheels of their (insert favourite euphemism).

Besides as a born-again virgin (who did make that 7 year rule?) I don't want to fall off my wings or drop my halo. And never a teenager. Who would want to teach a teenage toy er boy to kiss again. Been there, done that - don't slobber - you're not a lizard - I have a gag reflex - lick the soles of my feet from the outside. There are some things I don't want to do twice and fighting off a tongue groper is one of them.

Not to mention teen hygiene, they have germs and I have an old immune system. On the way to the bedroom to explore the mysteries of love, there's the trip to the bathroom to explain the mysteries of soap and water and the benefits of a dettol bath. "Here sweet thing, glance through this brochure on STIs", while I move south and check for fungus and crotch crickets. By the time I got through that I'd be too tired to show him which end of the condom was up. He'd probably play with the coloured ones for an hour or two anyway. You know what they're like with new toys.

I have my order in for an older guy. Must have luxurious grey hair (that'll piss the Blight no end) green eyes, stunning intellect and the ability to keep a straight face when he looks at me in the cold light of dawn. It might help if he's tall, I have a couple of light bulbs that need changing. It would be a definite plus if his mother owned a jewellery store. Don't worry about a pair of strong arms, he'll need a front end loader if I fall down. Did I mention green eyes? Oh, I did, well make sure they're off set by dark eyelashes. Just one more thing, a voice like warm chocolate on a cold night would be pleasant. Have I forgotten anything, ah that, no problem I do great phone sex.

5 comments:

Davo said...

Phew!!, that lets me off the hook.. only qualify for 1 on that list. ;)

Davo said...

umm, second thoughts.. not number 1.. only 'one' of the list.

JahTeh said...

I still haven't forgiven you those multicoloured flares.

Davo said...

Ah.. the indiscretions of youth..
(and they weren't "multi-coloured", just had butterfly sew-on patches.)

JahTeh said...

Butterfly patches on flares, I hope you donated them to the appropriate fashion museum. In any case it makes a great song title.