Wednesday, December 14, 2005

11 DAYS TO CHRISTMAS

My sister is computer illiterate otherwise I wouldn't get away with writing this but when she interrupts M's morning phone call and has me in fits of laughter, I have to share.

Sis has a wonderful capacity for booze. She can take on a bottle of vodka and still get her key in the door. Her tolerance for beer is just as good but wine not so good. She's had a bad day yesterday with the shock of how much tax Costello siphoned from her holiday pay and sundry other annoyances, like M.

She drank everything in the house but still hadn't hit that blissful stage of forgetfulness until she found the Chardonnay at the back of the fridge. I don't know how she missed it, there's never any food in there, our family doesn't feed, it forages.

It was all downhill after that. She vaguely remembers lying on the couch and probably singing but wonders where she undressed because all the blinds were open this morning. We'll find out tonight if cars start slowing down as they pass.

The biggest worry was waking up and finding her teeth at the bottom of the bed with the cat. The explanations are ongoing. Did she sneeze and lose them? Did she throw them at the cat? The cat is a bed hog. Was she snoring so loud that the cat tried to shove them down her throat to shut her up? I'm not kidding, the cat is so pyschotic I call it Bates, as in the motel.

I didn't think I could laugh harder but I did when she asked me to ring her mobile number so she could find the phone. She'd already looked in the freezer (she did need ice) and checked the cat's dish (it needed food). We found it but who would have thought to look in the empty pay packet.

And after all this, she doesn't have a hangover. She never gets a hangover. I fall over and die after one drink. She has given me a vodka and soda and I haven't walked a straight line of the three kms home. She's out shopping now and buying a turkey. She rarely has Christmas Day off so her turkey cooking skills aren't up there with Nigella but she's promised not to drink until it's on the table, after that, all bets are off.

6 comments:

Mother Damnable said...

Chuckling still!

JD Allen said...

The less of a hangover you get, the more likely you are to have alcoholic tendencies. You also get drunk quickly, but remain at the "drunk but not 'out of it' stage" for a long time.

I shouldn't have said that. If you knew already, it was pointless. If you didn't, it was rude. But what can I say, I'm a rude person.

If it absolves me any, I don't get much of a hangover, either. Regardless of how much I consume.

Alcoholism is on both sides of my family tree, progeny, ancestry, cousins and nephews.

M. Spider said...

I like her already.

For me, I've always been able to get the key in the door, but after that is a mystery. Apparently, I have a slight case of paranoia concerning them, because once inside I search and deposit them someplace safe. Safe is never the same place twice, and I usually spend the better part of a half hour searching for them the next day.

JahTeh said...

J.D I've had 3 hangovers in my life and I remember every horrible minute which is why I don't drink any more than one glass but that's usually enough.

M.S I lose keys sober.

M.D I love the tree.

Gerry said...

I laughed a lot. A lot.

But... Why didn't she ring her own moblie number from the phone she was ringing you on? I think she was till pissed...

JahTeh said...

Gerry, neither of us can remember our mobile numbers and we have free calls between us with our Nokia phones. See, men are just not lateral thinkers.