Thursday, February 16, 2006

SHOPPING REPORT NO. 15

It says shopping report but I didn’t do much shopping, more paying the bills report.  The ‘abusing Safeway for making us pay for their price fixing’ report.
Nimbin cheese is on special, $5.61, which is strange because normally I pay $5.52 but all of a sudden I’m saving 48 cents which makes the total cost $6.09.
I would shop at Coles but the store is so huge I would need a coffee and painkillers to get round and no cute check out guys there either.

Yesterday I walked to mother’s,3kms and it took me an hour, much longer than usual but I didn’t want to fall over.  The back, leg and toe held up, not too much pain but Westfield has floors that would crack the bones of a T-rex. Five minutes in that place and I’m looking for wheelchair and last night I hurt my unhurt foot.  

My feet hate me.  It’s not my fault that they’re on the end of Copperwitch’s funny fat legs instead of the uber-luscious legs of Naomi Campbell.  So I’ve got a crushed almost broken toe on the left and last night I got a prickle jammed into the right foot.  I want someone to invent a motorised wheelie bin so I don’t have to drag it out every week.  It was while dragging that, hop, step and jumping over the pile of dog leftovers, I fell off my thongs and stepped on a prickle.  Unlike Mr. Perfect Lawn next door, I have a prickle lawn tastefully decorated with dirt patches and weeds.  It annoys him so I keep it but dog owners love it because they can hide their illegal doggie gifts with a swift kick of sand.  Small price to pay for annoying neighbours on both sides with something that resembles Salem’s Lot.

An hour later after operating with a strobe light and various kitchen implements, I still couldn’t get the damn thing out.  So it’s think, woman, you’re a mother.  What did you do when the brats got things jammed in their feet every other day? Besides the yelling and threatening to cut their legs off if they didn’t keep their shoes on.  The Gladwrap trick.  Wrap Gladwrap around the foot which makes it sweat and opens up the puncture wound and out comes the prickle, glass, alien symbiot, whatever.  Gangrene avoided again.

Thinking about that makes me put on a pair of shoes to see if they hurt because I haven’t worn shoes since the last foot bashing.  Okay shoes fit but I can’t walk, stupid toe.  Perhaps I should have had it X-rayed, it really might be broken but it’s too late for that.  So no looking under the table at the grogblog tomorrow night because while I’m not pregnant, I might be barefoot.

5 comments:

Lord Sedgwick said...

We are most disappointed that you forgot the trusted, tried and true method that has been passed down from foot to mouth, albeit nearly lost to modern man when that plain biscuit Marie Antoinette exhorted the hoi polloi to use cake instead.

There is nothing more efficacious than the bread poultice followed by a quick dab of Phenyl or at a pinch, Rawleigh's Antiseptic Salve (for man and beast) atop the wound.

Gladwrap?! That's for birth control you silly wench!

R H said...

Thanks for the gladwrap tip, mighty beholden!
And yes, definitely don't peek under the table at grogblog, RH might be there. He's a shifty character, and it's typical, just his style.

JahTeh said...

Now listen here Your Excellency, stop walking me down memory lane. I remember the Rawleigh's man and his suitcase of remedies, very young childhood memory.

rh, your chance to sneak in and perve but be warned, should you be caught we will deny all knowledge of your execution.

R H said...

Good. I'm denying it myself.

JahTeh said...

rh, I hope you sneaked in and enjoyed the show, we looked under the table for you.