If you've been reading this blog over the past year, you'll know that Mum discussed funeral arrangements and we wrote it all down. She could talk about it then but the time's come when it can't be mentioned. I can't put it off any longer so I'm making an appointment with the Funeral Directors to make everything official because I won't be in any condition to do it when the time comes. I've started to write my speech which is damned difficult but I promised her I would be the one to speak and with the help of enough tranquillizers I'll get through it.
By a coincidence, the Funeral Service is the same one the Blight used for his Mother. I'm sure you've read my report on the crappy job I thought he made of talking about her. The Funeral Directors thought differently and offered him the job of celebrant which he will take up next year. I found out this morning when he offered to speak for Mum. Eeewwwwwwwww.
My sister's reaction, eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Mum's reaction, "I'll rise up out of the coffin and punch him!"
My reaction, apart from eeewwwwwwwwwww, was that he was going to be working within walking distance of MY HOME. That's too close for comfort.
Still it's given me a bit of a laugh because I happen to think he's a smarmy git who oozes insincerity with every breath but other people seem to like him.
It's been a bad couple of days and my sister and I have to cope with Mum on our own. She's having another lecture on palliative care today. Monday's lecture was on the pain control aspect, today's is on the emotional care of cancer patients. If Mum was having some sort of treatment, like chemo or radium then we'd have support but being conservative treatment then we're on our own except for the family doctor who is pretty good.
She is tired, very cold with a general weakness in the body. She's lost more weight and has various symptoms of tumour elsewhere in the body but we think there's another come back in the breast. She's in pain but manageable, she's in her own home, she can still shower and do her own little bit of washing in between sleeping a lot. We've discussed it and we can't justify putting her through more painful tests to find out where the cancer is when she can't be treated without shortening her life because anything now is only palliative. In other words, treatment will give her more time but not cure her. Deep down she knows this and turns away if we try to talk about it so we keep up the pretence that everything is fine.
I think this is worse than all the other times we have nursed her, not because it won't end in wellness but because I feel like a vulture circling the carcass. Our lives are in a holding pattern and we're waiting. Mentally it's draining and my heart goes out to any parents who are going through this with children.
I think I'll cheer myself up by telling my girlfriend about the new celebrant. She'll laugh, she's known him longer than I have. Yep, a good laugh is what I need.