Tuesday, December 05, 2006

THROW MOMMA OFF THE TRAIN

But how to get her on the train first.

My sense of humour has deserted me.

My head hurts in pre-stroke mode.

I have chest pains although that could be the unaccustomed bra wearing.

I have either gastric reflux or an ulcer or drinking beer too fast.

I have reasons.

After two months of "I want my Christmas lights, it's the only pleasure I have left!" type whinging, the Brick Outhouse started doing this on Sunday. She drove him so crazy he ran away from home, for the day. By the time I got there Monday, the house could have doubled for an earthquake movie. 16 bloody Christmas dolls, 2 iron stands and 30 sets of fairy lights covered the loungeroom floor with the old bat trying to use a walker through the mess. She then has the cheek to tell me that if he'd asked, she'd have told him not to bother because she was too tired to do the window. Today is Tuesday and I am forgetting how to be nice again. I will not go and put the dolls up. If I have to fix the lights, I am taking a pair of scissors to them and they will end up in teenytiny strips. I would tell her this but I'm not speaking to her. Believe me, she'll now fall over just to spite me.

I hate Christmas lights.

I hate Christmas.

I like Christmas presents. Someone please give me train tickets, short journey should do it.

13 comments:

Andrew said...

Zone one and two daily ticket coming to you soon for your cmas day at the Melbourne Zoo. It will be open. BYO your own turkey, champers and streamer.

Kelly & Sam Pilgrim-Byrne said...

Thinking of you... our street is lit up in some crazy competition between neighbours to see who has the most flashing lights. We can't compete. We did put our tree up for the first time in 3 years and we hung some fairy lights from the tree out the front. Looks pathetic compared to everyone else. Never mind, it's all we could manage.

janet said...

Oy, vay. I've heard Alfred Hitchcock isn't available these days....
I'll call up my bud Danny DeVito and see what we can do. Although the only guy available might be Billy Crystal, in which case you're absolutely guaranteed to get your sense of humour back.

The Flasher
Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares in all their sordid glory. Unruffled, Sadie takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"

Seder Charity
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"

The Advert
Sarah has been married 6 times and divorced 6 times. There was something bad about every one of her ex-husbands, so Sarah put an advert in the Jewish Chronicle that said she needed a man who will not beat her, who will not run away from her, and who is good in bed.
Two weeks later, Sarah is quietly reading a book when she hears her doorbell ring. She opens the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs.
“Hello, how may I help you?” she says.
“Hi, I’m Bernard, and I’m here about your advert in the JC.”
“How do I know you meet my requirements?” Sarah says.
“Well, I can’t beat you because I have no arms, and I can’t run away from you because I have no legs.” he replies.
“But how do I know you’re good in bed?” she asks.
Bernard replies, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?

The Visit to the Chemist
Abe walks into a chemist and asks for some condoms.
“Yes sir, do you want the Catholic pack, the Protestant pack or the Jewish pack?”
Abe asks, “What’s the difference?”
The chemist replies, “The Catholic pack has six, one for each day of the week but never on Sunday. The Protestant pack has eight, one for each day of the week and twice on Sunday. And of course the Jewish pack has 12”
“Why twelve?” asks Abe.
(The chemist sighs and counts on fingers) “January, February, March....”

janet said...

His 80th Birthday Present
Moshe Levy was soon to be 80 years old and his friends didn’t know what to buy him. His wife had died some years ago and he did not go out very often, at least, not with the opposite sex.
In the end, they came to the conclusion that Moshe needed a Hooker, so they hired one.
She knocked on his door. When Moshe answered she said to him, “Happy birthday to you Mr Levy. I’ve come to offer you super sex.”
He replied “If it’s all right with you, I’ll have the soup!”

A Medical Problem
Sadie Greenberg came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's your prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week’s time."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenberg marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

The Broken Watch
David’s watch was not working. He remembered passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took the watch in for repair.
"Can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter.
"I want this watch repaired," said David.
"I'm sorry. I don't repair watches."
"Well, how much for a new one then?" asked David.
"I don't sell watches."
"You don't sell watches?"
"No, I don't sell watches."
"Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much for a clock?"
"I don't sell clocks."
David was getting exasperated. "You don't sell watches, you don't sell clocks?"
"No, I’m a mohel," replied the man.
"Then why do you have all those clocks and watches in the window?"
"If you were a mohel, tell me, what would you put in your window?"

janet said...

HELP ME!!!! I CAN'T STOP!!!

The Honeymoon
A young Jewish couple on their honeymoon in Bournemouth went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Do we have any entertainment? Of course we do, in fact The Amazing Benny is performing this very night!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage, dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.
On their 20th anniversary, the same couple went back to Bournemouth and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage, slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, slowly dragging his card table.
The couple were amazed and the husband said to the bartender, "He did that act 20 years ago when we were here...but then he did it with walnuts. Nu? So now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, 20 years is 20 years and The Amazing Benny is not what he used to be...his eyes aren't so good now!"

http://www.awordinyoureye.com/jokesnaughtier1stset.html

janet said...

The Brothel Visit
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges £1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten £100 notes. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again at the door of the brothel, demanding Natalie. Natalie came down and explained to him that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still £1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:
"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me £3,000 to give to you."

janet said...

Phew. Okay, I am done now.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

janet said...

The Accident
Benjy was in an accident and unfortunately, his p3n1s got chopped off.
Benjy was rushed to hospital where the doctor examined him. After careful consideration, the doctor said to Benjy, “Don’t worry, we can replace it with a small sized p3nls for £5,000, a medium sized one for £15,000, or an extra-large sized one for £30,000. I realise it’s a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife.”
When the doctor came back into the room later that afternoon, he found Benjy staring sadly at the ceiling.
Benjy said, “My wife says she’d rather have a new kitchen.”

janet said...

I am really really really done now.
Now I've got a headache.

janet said...

Well, JahTeh, I may have infringed on copyright law by placing those jokes there. Just couldn't help it. And since I signed in in a manner that does not allow me to delete them, perhaps you will do that for me. I certainly respect copyrights.

R H said...

Oy!- who is dis dame?

An' Wots wid all da Noo York Jokes?

A Jew walks in to a brothel and says to the receptionist, "Do you have the Jewish fashion here?" The receptionist doesn't know what he's talking about, so gives him a run down on all the hijinks. But he's insistent. "No no no," he says, " Listen, if you don't got the Jewish fashion I gotta go some place else." Well! And so the receptionist buzzes the madam who comes down and says "What's the Jewish fashion," but he won't tell her, and as he starts for the door she panics and says, "Listen I don't know what you're talking about, but you can have whatever you want in the place, -half price!"

"Ah," says the Jew, "THAT"S the Jewish fashion!"

-Told to RH by a Jew. At Godfreys workshop, Hawthorn Road South Caulfield.

Blue said...

Jahteh,

The combined mother/christmas thing sucks. Suggestion tho: my best christmas was spent alone with a frozen pizza (i did cook it) a slab of chocolate, a nice bottle (or 3) of wine and a monty python extravaganza....

Chin up girl!!!

JahTeh said...

Laughter is the best medicine and stuff copyright, who reads comments on my blog just my other bad joke lovers.

Andrew I don't go to zoos, I always want to feed the watchers to the animals but I'm aiming for a nice Jacob's Creek sparkling red and the biggest box of chocolates I can afford.

Muriels, I have the perfect decoration for you. A giant Christmas candle in the image of JH. The joy of watching him melt down would be worth the money. (I saw his article on AIDS day, creep)

Thanks Blue but this whole year has been too much like a Monty Python sketch so it'll be the Welsh studmuffin in Horatio Hornblower for me.