Sunday, December 03, 2006


If you've lost a mother and still feel badly about it then don't read any further or you might want to hit me. It's been a nasty two days and I'm still very angry which I have a right to be but shouldn't be because I'm the one with the stroke type headache.

I've asked to ex to officiate at the funeral, whenever it is, because if I had to do anything it would be a tap dance on the coffin and a rousing rendition of 'Ding dong the witch is dead'. According to Mother, I have lost the ability to be nice. She's right about that.

She is trying so hard to maintain control over every aspect of her life that anything I do to make her safe in her own home is countermanded. Perhaps getting angry is a way to soften the blow when she does go. If it is, then it's working. I probably won't miss her for about ten years. We are all so stressed at the moment.

How can she accept all the processes of dying if she doesn't know she is. We can't tell her that she is. I don't know if it is the cancer that is making her twisted and bitter by affecting her brain. I just know that the manipulating that goes on to get us to do what she wants, whether it is good for her or not, is wearing us down. It's so different from when my Father had cancer. He knew he was dying and physically he deteriorated but he was mentally alert until the last half hour of his life. But this is mental and physical and trying to explain to people she rings that they must check before they do anything feels like a betrayal.

So throw another serepax down the throat and go back with a pasted on smile tomorrow and make nice. And why do I go, because she will fall down in the shower just to make me feel guilty.


phil said...

Errk. Mrs V V B works in an area of health that brings her into these sorts of situations. We also went through a degree of manipulation by my old man in his last 1 or 2 years. Whatever, you will be prey to thoughts that you may think are antisocial but believe me, you're not alone. Serepax, brew number 9, whatever gets you through the night, as they say.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel the least bit of guilt about doing what you need to do on a daily basis.
Your heart is in the right place, JT.
You and your sister should rant back and forth daily so that you can each reset your sanity meters.

Anonymous said...

Coping mechanisms before death are a strange thing. From my experiences with looking after my grandmother in her final years she seemed to put on the facade of being able to cope mentally AND physically to convince herself that she was still in control. (When she went to a nursing home she pretended that she wasn't even there)
The manipulation is possibly to reassure herself that you care at the end.
Perhaps a good discussion is in order about death and what you are able to do for her without compromising your own sanity or health.

Just a suggestion. Hang in there!
Zoe xx

Anonymous said...

Oh dear difficult. My guess would be she's not about to fall of the twig as soon as you think. But honesty, even with the manipulative, is the best policy. Maybe you could suggest she walk a mile in your shoes?
You could try the very plonking:

"If not today or tomorrow or next week or next month, one day Mum, and by the looks of it soon, you will be dead. Then all that you want will be utterly transformed and you will find yourself in a situation wherein you don't know what you want because you don't actually know anything and there's a possibility that if you refuse to accept the inevitable, you won't even realise you are dead --a . . . grave error. So chill out Mumsey, start thinking about what you are going to do in the eternal realms, and stop making our lives so fucking miserable, we just want you to be happy and comfortable."


BwcaBrownie said...

Thank God for Serepax and all it's little friends.
Now it is her turn to be a 2-year-old as payback for what you put her through, back when you were 2 - they are not called 'The Terrible Two's' for nothing - and you put her through that special Mother's Hell.
You will miss her terribly when she has gone and that makes you a fortunate daughter.


JahTeh said...

Phil, I downed a can of VB yesterday, the first in 12 months and it was delicious but I'm a cheap drunk and one more would have seen me crawling.

I know she's doing this to keep the normality of her life and it's only after something happens that she knows she can't do it. That's when she looks around for someone to blame.

I'll have you know Brownie I was a beautiful child, well-mannered and docile, an absolute treat to be around and if you believe that I have a bridge with harbour views to sell you.

Steph said...

Thank God for blogs! Use this space to rant and say what you like after you put on your "happy face" for mother.

I feel for you.

JahTeh said...

At least you can hide out with the horses Steph.