I was having a coffee halfway through the 3km stagger to Mummy's and I realised the hand movement I was doing reminded me of the ex, so much so I nearly slapped myself silly. I've found myself doing this occasionally and it always makes my skin crawl. I don't suppose you can live with a person for so many years and not pick up a mannerism or two but we've been divorced for nearly 6 years. It means that little bits of him are still lodged in my brain and crawl out when I'm not looking.
I am making a list of these mannerisms in case it's just seasonal, like anniversary time, divorce, leaving home, birthdays. It's hard enough to break free of the mould (not a typo) of marriage without looking for jetsom and flotsom washing up in my mind. I don't care to remember him at all because I can't remember anything nice and you know what Bambi's mother said. He was never violent or anything just a walloping great twit with mannerisms.
The anniversary means it's my annual beat myself up for not having the courage to leave him at the Altar. For not having the courage to live according to my life plan. I've had to acknowledge that I cared about him but he came a long way down the list after kids, cats and dogs. We probably both look at each other now and think, "what was I thinking". Maybe not since he was pissed most of the time and I was the only one doing any thinking for most of those years.
My sister ran into him the other day. Funny how I knew who she was talking about when she said, "I saw that fat-arsed pinhead on the way home". That image floated out of my brain immediately. See what I mean about flotsom and jetsom.