I was having a coffee halfway through the 3km stagger to Mummy's and I realised the hand movement I was doing reminded me of the ex, so much so I nearly slapped myself silly. I've found myself doing this occasionally and it always makes my skin crawl. I don't suppose you can live with a person for so many years and not pick up a mannerism or two but we've been divorced for nearly 6 years. It means that little bits of him are still lodged in my brain and crawl out when I'm not looking.
I am making a list of these mannerisms in case it's just seasonal, like anniversary time, divorce, leaving home, birthdays. It's hard enough to break free of the mould (not a typo) of marriage without looking for jetsom and flotsom washing up in my mind. I don't care to remember him at all because I can't remember anything nice and you know what Bambi's mother said. He was never violent or anything just a walloping great twit with mannerisms.
The anniversary means it's my annual beat myself up for not having the courage to leave him at the Altar. For not having the courage to live according to my life plan. I've had to acknowledge that I cared about him but he came a long way down the list after kids, cats and dogs. We probably both look at each other now and think, "what was I thinking". Maybe not since he was pissed most of the time and I was the only one doing any thinking for most of those years.
My sister ran into him the other day. Funny how I knew who she was talking about when she said, "I saw that fat-arsed pinhead on the way home". That image floated out of my brain immediately. See what I mean about flotsom and jetsom.
9 comments:
Ah, but just think: there are little bits of you still lodged in his brain too. :-}
Bambi is the first film I ever saw, the scene where the stag meets him in the snow and gives him bad news is one of the most touching in all cinema.
Some ruined relationahips are a tragedy. In your case it was a tragedy you ever met this bloke at all. Years wasted, of your intelligence, good-heartedness and marvellous humour.
Chalk it up to experience hey and just think he is probably smacking himself in the chops frequently when his hand imitates your mannerisms... thats if he ever reflects...
in your case...don't do him the honour of reflecting too much okay.
Not a bit of me remains. This is the man who announced at his 2nd marriage that he had no past only a future. Praise the Lord and pass the divorce papers.
Sir Robbert, If I did nothing else I gave his mother a grandchild who brought sunshine into her life which her son never did.
I mentioned this to my sister and she gave me a list a mile long of what she remembered. The man was a walking mannerism. I do remember him always walking on tiptoes when he was drunk.
I have often wondered is it better to go for long term with the sexual spark person, or the more dependable and decent type. While he wasn't the latter, was he the former? I have no regrets, read into that what you will. Regardless Jah Teh, it was all meant to be.
SHREIK !
"walking on tiptoes when he was drunk"
Oh I love it.
My ex didn't divorce me until 17 years after he left, and despite the occasional email and fax from him, he told the Family Court he didn't know where I was
(yes that's the 'J' word)
so that I wouldn't know he was divorcing me.
I found out a year later when his new wife phoned my daughter looking for him.
Daughter didn't know he was remarried either.
Wishing you Many many more Happy Divorce Anniversaries JT.
No, no, I wonder if a few of those bits are still there, and each one has thousands of sharp little edges and points to it. That was an evil smile emoticon, you know.
Here's the one for happy devil
]:-)
And snake
~~~~8}
"walking on tiptoes when he was drunk"
So even though he was several sheets, doonas and bedspreads to the wind, he still remembered what he'd learnt at Madam Plotskinaya's ballet school. (He has to get additional Brownie points for that.)
Seeya Friday. (What with Brownie's "Swimming with Sharks" and me wif me Blunnies we'll make a cripple of you yet.)
Actually Andrew, it was his juvenile sense of humour I liked, I just didn't realise it came with a juvenile.
Anonymous, Love the evils and the snake is brilliant.
He certainly tiptoed, balancing beautifully as he bounced from wall to wall. I still wish I'd been there the night he fell in the dishwasher and put that fat bum through the kitchen wall.
I'm bringing a large stick, Your Excellency so watch your clodhoppers.
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