Burn your mouth with hot soup.
Eat ice-cubes for the next 24 hours.
Do not open the pictures in the email from Taste.com.
If you open the pictures DO NOT print out the recipe for Cheesecake Brownies.
Do not read text messages from a sister lounging by a logfire in a pub near the 11 Apostles.
If you read the message, do not answer her query, "Should I order the sticky date pudding for you? with cream?"
Do not be rude and text back "Choke". It won't help because you'll still want the bloody pudding.
I mean who goes down the Great Ocean Road in this weather just to booze in a warm pub all day and torture people with text messages. If you're reading this, tart, I'm spending your inheritance tomorrow.