Tuesday, June 26, 2007

IN THE STARS

Of course I don't believe in astrology which is why I read Jonathon Cainer every morning just to be able to say that night, "It didn't happen". Today though he really had me in mind.

"Imagine a world where laughter is forbidden by some dire, dour, despot. Anything even remotely amusing is banished and banned. A rebel like you, in such a world, would join an underground society of illegal gigglers, gathering secretly in soundproof rooms to trade jokes."

He's not wrong. I've written before about this family's shocking sense of humour in inappropriate situtations. Helen from the CastIronBalcony had a distressing evening a few weeks ago when she introduced male/female friends only to have the male behave like a complete moron although he probably felt safe asking for a blowjob in a crowded place. If I had been on the asking end of this question, laughter would have been heard on the International Space Station. I would have asked him for a rubber glove and two large sticks before I touched him while laughing fit to bust.

Helen's friend was a lady but I'm far from refined and sarcasm to reduce a sexual pest to his lowest common denominator has always been my stock in trade. Marriage gave me opportunity to refine this skill (apols to those with happy marriages) into an art form. A run in with me might have taught him to keep his hands and his guttermouth away from all women in future.

Jonathon then continues with my daily advice,
"In one (and, I hasten to add, only one) area of your life now, you appear to be suffering from sense of humour failure. The reasons are understandable enough. But soon, you'll feel better. To hasten the process, smile."

Okay, smiling like a Great White but it's not doing much good. Forgot to get an Ozlotto for tonight so I won't be rich tomorrow. Spend an hour on the phone with Mother revising the shopping list I spent an hour doing with her yesterday. Overnight, she has gone off that brand of bread, that taste of biscuit, that type of chicken and she'd rather have the round flat things instead of the round flat things with the holes or the round flat things with grapes. That means get pikelets not crumpets or fruit muffins.

Can you see me smiling through the grinding of teeth?

8 comments:

Neo said...

hehehe...Gr8 post. You're a funny one,JT!
I recently did a post about my parents that ended with "keeping an indifferent smile plastered on my sweet little face".....what is it about mumsy's and dadsy's that piss us off so much? AGE and STUPIDITY perhaps? It's hard to tolerate hey! I'm with ya hun/mum.

ZoeXXX

nailpolishblues said...

I love Jonathon Cainer. He writes the most amusing things.

JahTeh said...

Neo, it's just that we get to an age where we know just as much as they do but we've been conditioned to think they know more. And it gets easier to say shut up after the first time you do it.

Honestly Nails, sometimes I can't make heads or tails of his predictions but other times he's so spot on it's spooky.

R.H. said...

I would never accuse a witch doctor of plagiarism (yuk yuk) but Cainer's recent pronouncement is remarkably similar to a comment I made on a literary site more than two years ago, viz: "...if the politically correct get their way laughter will become illegal -something only done in private."

And of course, I believe astrology is shit anyway. And so do astrologers.

JahTeh said...

Looking in crystal balls, Rh?

R.H. said...

If my balls were crystal I'd have had them electrified to illuminate my old boy.

-Robert the Vulgar.

Middle Child said...

some more smiling for me...thank you

Anonymous said...

Helen from the CastIronBalcony had a distressing evening a few weeks ago when she introduced male/female friends only to have the male behave like a complete moron although he probably felt safe asking for a blowjob in a crowded place.

The male friend was just someone I'd met about four times in social gatherings, Jahteh, if that's any excuse. But, you know, for some reason I'd made up my mind he was teh gay! Which made it all the more gobsmacking o'course!


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