Monday, March 10, 2008

DUCK MY MOTHER


More of the synchrotron ducks.
Click here to read that a duck's quack does echo. Thank you Lord Hughes for the misinformation. I'm still looking for ducks tongues.

Now you all know the drill, anyone with a nice mother, piss off and don't read any further.

The manipulating old bat has scored another one for the gipper. I will try to tell a cohe(rant) version of the can opener. The same can opener that went missing for months because she put it away with the Bamix because it was the same colour. She was walking around with it in the walker last Thursday and she was going to lend it to a neighbour to use as a demonstration model as said neighbour was going to sell them. Argument starts because we all use it. She says it's hers and she can do what she likes. Phone call later that night demands to know the name of the book because I'm not telling her so she can't give the neighbour the can opener. Book?? The one I get from the company that makes the can opener. What??? You know what I'm talking about. Crap??? The only book I get is Avon. That's the one she says. By this stage I believe Dame Joan Sutherland wouldn't have topped my high C. Time to ring the neighbour. She is going to train as a demonstrator for Tupperware and my mother said no-one uses the can opener so take it but neighbour did offer to pay for it but mother said no, they never use it. This is a $50 can opener we never use. I tell neighbour we use it all the time, no worries she says, I'll demonstrate with mine. Tell old bat next morning that it's Tupperware and put the can opener back in the drawer. "I knew that", she says.

My sister gave her chocolates for her birthday. She told the BrickOutHouse, she didn't really like them but said not to tell his mother. Sister know all this but asks if she liked them. According to the old bat, she didn't get a chance to find out since BrickOutHouse took them off her and ate them. Lying old toad has eaten a 750 gram box of Cadbury's Favourites in two days.

Sister caught her tonight, wandering up the hall with the walker stashed with chicken and pasta salad and two, TWO frozen desserts. She's hungry and has hardly eaten a thing all day. Excuse me, Old Bat. Who was there all day, cooking in the heat, freezing meals and getting your lunch of sandwiches and blueberries mini muffins all between unloading the dryer and dishwasher? Oh yes and she didn't really like the muffins but she'll freeze them in case there's nothing else to eat.
Sister nearly broke her fingers dialing the phone to tell me.

Pardon me while I have another Dame Joan moment. High CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!

16 comments:

JahTeh said...

Don't forget to click the photo, the ducks come up beautifully as a desktop wallpaper.

Lord Sedgwick said...

I did as you suggested. Lo and behold ... my favourite tabletop main course comes up beautifully.

River said...

High C indeed. I'm truly sorry she's giving everyone such a hard time, but geez that was a funny post.

River said...

Not a fan of ducks. My current desktop wallpaper is a tray of oh so prettily decorated petit fours.

Gerry said...

Diogenesian Grouch?
GROUCH???
Duck you too... ;-)

dysthymiac said...

I apologise for laughing.

Geoffrey Atherden who wrote Mother & Son, would salute you I reckon.

What would happen if you
just

didn't

answer the phone ?

Lord Sedgwick said...

Cuz, what do you think about giving Copper's mother my mother's phone number (Bob's too for that matter).

Would save three offspring a lot of grief ... and Mick Keelty would be kept in work for the next century deciphering the tapped and taped calls.

JahTeh said...

In case anyone thinks I'm just having a gripe. I left home at 9.30in the heat, walked 30 mins to the pharmacy because today is a holiday and they don't deliver pills then bus to the supermarket, then haul up from the busstop and I get there, 3kms away, at 11.45. I just heard that the temp reached 39 today. Good thing I didn't know that or I might have put in an offer for M'Lord's baseball bat.

Lord Sedwick is a carnivorous swine although that could be just a rumour put about by vegetarians.

River, petit fours! I love them and watching the Royal Year tonight was food heaven.

Hello Bear, took you long enough to notice.

This afternoon she was telling me her sister thought it was hot in Mildura when she'd been in Sale goes neatly into wondering how hot the car is without air conditioning and when I said their car has AC, she said "Volkswagens don't" and I realise she's staring out the window at a VW and the mind has jumped a groove. Surreal.

Couldn't you just adopt her instead, Sedg?

Brian Hughes said...

Witchy,

I did say that the rumour about ducks' quacks not having any echoes was probably a myth. In fact I took a duck along to our local caves with me last week to put the theory to the test. Not one reverb! Mind you, I had stapled its beak shut first so I could sneak it past the ticket collector at the entrance.

Morgana said...

Bejesus, and I thought I didn't get on with my mum.

A suggestion.....Valium in her mashed potatoes.

xxx

Lord Sedgwick said...

Morgana, cut to the chase.

Forget the Valium. Go straight to the ground glass in the morning muesli!

JahTeh said...

Ah, Lord Sedgwick, posting
fortuitously again below Morgana of the Knockers. If only your eyes had looked up a little higher.

Morgana,the woman is living on a diet of chemicals and preservatives, ground glass wouldn't create a ripple.

Fleetwood, cheap quack.

Lord Sedgwick said...

Oh my, heaven descending upon me from a G cup.

"Beulah, peel me another Berlei."

Middle Child said...

Mummie dearest huh?

JahTeh said...

We try to go with the flow Therese but it only lasts for about 4 days and then we explode.

Lord Sedgwick said...

"Snap!" Coppertop.

In both senses - the card game matching pairs and losing it ... near homicidally losing it.

Well after 3 incomprehensible/ illogical phone calls today ... which makes it about a baker's dozen for the week.

"Oh, is that your mobile phone number? I thought it was your fax number ... but I'd never use your fax number, so maybe they were your favourite Tattslotto numbers or your dead grandfather's birthday."

Jesus wept!!!