Sunday, June 01, 2008

FUNNY ON SUNDAY

Saturday wasn't funny after I stood on the scales. I haven't dropped a gram in 8 weeks, nothing, nada. It's very disheartening especially when other bloggers have stuff about peppermint frogs which I read late at night and get a craving for. But according to the paper this morning, help is on the way.
A diet pill is going to be marketed here which will help people lose, on average 10kgs, in six months. Somehow I don't think it's the pill that does it. The side affects are so bad you won't want to eat food. Nausea, diarrhoea, constipation, insomnia and an increased heart rate. The drug affects the part of the brain controlling appetite, making people feel full soon after starting a meal.
When are these dumb arse scientist/doctor/obesity gurus going to finally twig that comfort eaters don't worry about appetite and feeling full? We eat because it's a tranquillizer, food makes us feel better. Food takes us to a place where we don't feel anything bad is happening. I am constantly trying to meditate, calm down, change my lifestyle and stick to portion size of anything I eat including peppermint frogs. As it is I'm too frightened to look up how many calouries are in gin.
After that bit of madness, I came across the survey from FHM magazine. Almost one in three Australian men say they want to marry a virgin. 41% wanted a bride who had had five partners or fewer (that's right - fewer) and only 5% wanted a bride who had slept with more than 15 men.
Okay, I guess that means men are officially crazy. Most of them wouldn't know how to identify a virgin for a start and no woman in her right mind would tell a man anything about the other men in her life. We are sensitive to the little green monster lurking in their puny minds, you know the one that wants to know the important details like, 'how big....?'.

But I leave the best til last. Some dreadful cyber vandal has been playing with Mick Keelty's wikipedia page and portrayed him as a deranged conspiracy theorist.
The unidentified hacker mockingly quoted Mr. Keelty warning: "The Americans should stop looking for Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. I have particularly sensitive intelligence from aliens he's living in an outside dunny in Dubbo. At this time he is training terrorist pixies and raising an air force of stealth budgies to strike at the heart of the infidels."
I love it, terrorist pixies and stealth budgies, divine. I just wonder how long it would take the CIA to work out what a 'dunny' is?

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

*1 Anti-depressants and a bottle of gin!


*2 yet men go around screwing anything they can! Hypocrites!

* gin again and a wry smile from afar.

*Sigh*

Brian Hughes said...

"The dug affects the part of the brain controlling appetite"

I've met Dug and he had that effect on me as well.

Jayne said...

ROFLMFAO
Chocolate is a basic essential as it works better than any anti-depressant, is full of antioxidants and is just plain yummy , so give in and eat those peppermint Freddos... ;)

JahTeh said...

As long as the men stay away from the gin, Anon.

Fixed eagle-eyed antiquarianslashnitpicker. My brain is somewhat dugged by peppermint frogs no thanks to Jayne.

Jayne, chocolate was used as a trance inducing enema by the Maya. I prefer to take it the other end but the effect is the same, utter bliss.

Lord Sedgwick said...

A propos eating chocolate frogs.

Take your own advice, that which you passed onto Polaroidface, "don't put anything in your mouth if you don't know where it's been."

Stick to twitchin' Bill Oddie's home cooked Chocolate Grackles!

River said...

"antiquarianslashnitpicker"-love it. I'm stealing that. The problem with most diet gurus is they seem to want to control hunger and or appetite. When will someone realise that most of us chubbies DON'T eat because we're hungry? We eat from habit, i.e. me scoffing chocolate while reading, it's a habit I've had since I was 10 or so. We also eat because we love the way the food feels as we bite into it. The "mouthfeel" is a big part of food enjoyment and you just don't get that by eating a lettuce leaf and 3 sultanas. I'm reminded of how much I enjoy eating a fresh bread roll spread with real butter. Heaven. The same bread roll spread with margarine is not the same at all. No low fat margarine or other butter substitute will ever have that same mouthfeel. Same with high quality chocolate, cream buns with REAL cream.....(mock cream is the foulest thing ever invented).We need to learn for ourselves to limit these foods to treats. No diet pill is going to do this.
Stealth budgies eh? Would they be training them to sit on the lines of washing and sh*t?

Gerry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gerry said...

Fix the font style and size, woman!

I refuse to read this blog until you do!

Jayne said...

Only rabbits and guinea pigs enjoy the lettuce leaf and 3 sultanas daily diet...and even the rabbits are starting to order proper butter on their croissants!

JahTeh said...

Isn't it nice to have Furface back to give out advice that doesn't involve putting one's shirt on a twit-footed horse.

River, you are so right about fresh bread and real butter but you forgot the cheese, real cheese not low-fat plastic. Nimbin cheese is now up to $8.15 but I don't begrudge a single cent. Scones with jam and double cream from King Island, joy. I just had spaghetti with wine and vegetable sauce which sounds healthy but for the mound of shredded Parmesan on top.

Well stop trying to read it through the bottom of a cab sav bottle. Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Jayne, you put me to shame with all your fresh garden goodness but I'm hopeless at growing things. And there are slugs and whatnots living in dirt and I'm not good with slugs and whatnots. Chocolate slugs and frogs are another matter.

Anyway you lot, I walked 6kms today so a collective "Huzzah" is in order.

Bwca said...

SIX kms? OMG

also ... that anon above is not me but it could easily have been

have you seen those chocolate coated licorice sticks?

thats what I thought of when you mentioned the Mayans and their trick.

need a cup of tea now

River said...

Oh Oh Oh chocolate coated licorice sticks...LOVE 'EM.

Here's your collective -
huzzahhuzzahhuzzahhuzzahhuzzahhuzza


Oh and parmesan is the healthiest of cheeses. It has the highest calcium content.

JahTeh said...

It was sunny so I thought I'd do the walk home from mummy's, bloody stupid 'cause I have no knees left.

Now look what you've done, River will be like me and won't rest until choc coated licorice sticks are in the mouth and, in my case, probably out the other end smartish.

I didn't know that about Parmesan, healthy calcium and tastes good. There is joy in the world.
River, if you would like to join a more civilised version of crapola facebook, go to http://www.aboutmyage.com/home and join the over-a-certain-age and should-be-rulers-of-the-world group.

Lord Sedgwick said...

The actual www.aboutmyage link would be HERE.

No, it's OK Coppertop ... no need to thank me, just give me half of your choc coated licorice sticks. (The carob coated gluten free ones are good too .. 'specially when tucked into a Peking duck wrap.)

JahTeh said...

That link's the same as mine except yours is faster. Another nitpicker, no wonder you're friends with Hughes, OCDs.

Middle Child said...

"dunny" know how long it'll take them but Dubbo sounds like some kind of Weapon of mass deatruction - so lookout
Dubbo-ians

JahTeh said...

Do you know Therese, I can't pronounce that last word. I can't get my tongue around it. Spoilsports at Wiki took the entry down, a shame.