Wednesday, December 03, 2008


At this time of the year I can't go past any magazine that has a Christmas cover. I'm never going to cook the food or make the decorations but I just can't resist. Notebook had this great checklist for the six weeks before Christmas but by the time I bought it, I'd missed week six and week five and week four has nearly passed on.

Four Weeks to Go
Stock the Pantry with staples.
They didn't specify staples. What are my staples? Pasta sauce, pasta, lentils and tomato soup. I was going to say not very Christmassy but they're all red.
Clean the Barbecue, oven and fridge.
Oh I'm hurting from the ROFL'ing. The BBQ is long gone in one of my New Year's Eve deconstructs of things belonging to the Blight. I can't remember the last time I cleaned the oven if I ever did and I'm not cooking beast or fowl so I'll let that slide. The only thing holding the fridge together and keeping the freezer meltwater from flooding, is the mould. I'm all for ecosystems.
Check your decorations and fairy lights and replace any broken globes.
Decorations are still in the pine box. Christmas tree is in the cupboard. Fairy lights are never ever never going to be put up again. My idea for fairy lights is to capture a brood of fairies, douse them in petrol, set fire to them and let them run all over the roof on Christmas Eve. Now that's what I call fairy lights.
Organise a house-cleaning day for the whole family to pitch in.
Oh dear, I'm ROFL'ing again. I'm good for this, I folded up the towells today instead of grabbing one off the couch every time I had a shower. I sprayed a fly and killed it. I took the garbage bins out. Damn, the washing's still in the dryer, a woman's work is never done.

Three weeks to go.
Post Christmas Cards.
Send free Christmas emails from Optus.
Order a fresh tree if required.
Still have plenty of branches from the one I cut down last week.
Decorate the tree and the house.
Stand cut branches in a bucket of sand/cement/polyfiller and paint gold. Spray cobwebs silver.
Start putting popcorn in the fairy traps.
Order fresh flowers for Christmas Day.
Can I eat them? No. Flowers out.
Launder or air table linen for Christmas Lunch or dinner.
Nice idea. If I could just remember what table linen looked liked and remembered how to eat off a table.
Start wrapping presents to place under the tree.
One bottle of expensive perfume wrapped by David Jones. One extremely large box of chocolates wrapped by Myer. The Gin is unwrapped ready for action.
Sort through your music collection or compile CDs for entertaining.
Forget the music. I'm all for a StarWars viewing marathon and no carols. By Christmas Day I'll have had carols up to the wazoo and I've got a big wazoo.

Two weeks to go.
Set aside an evening for the family to do something festive together, such as watch old Christmas movies or attend a local carols performance.
See what I mean about the carols. I've never seen a better recipe for a pre-Christmas massacre than this suggestion.
Purchase supplies for making Christmas drinks.
Okay, now we're in business. Gin, diet tonic water, Gin, Coke Zero, Gin.
Purchase all non-perishable ingredients.
Bendy straws so I don't have to life my head too far.

One week to go.
Write a food preparation schedule for Christmas Day.
Open Gin and diet tonic water.
Open Chocolates.
Open Fridge and see what falls out first.
Collect flowers or have them delivered to your home.
Forget the flowers, check the fairy traps.
Pick up turkey no more than two days before Christmas Day.
Forget the turkey, check the fairy traps.
Collect seafood the day before it's required.
Forget the seafood, check the fairy traps.
Ensure digital cameraas are fully charged and ready to use.
Wouldn't want to miss the fairy lights.


River said...

I love your christmas preparations. I'd do the same if I wasn't seeing family. Except my coke would be pepsi and not the diet crap either, any gin in my house I'd send to you. My idea of fairy lights is to walk around the neighbourhoods and look at everyone else's.

Miles McClagan said...

I read in the 80s about a book called The 365 Days of Xmas, a book which had the buyer starting their Xmas plans on Boxing Day...mad...

Andrew said...

Can I spend christmas day with you and avoid the obligatory stuff? We will have heaps of fun with the gin at hand. Bols on the rocks pls, just to the top, but only the one of course. Your mother won't be there will she?

phil said...

"food preparation schedule"

The corporatisation of daily life goes on apace, even if you choose to ignore it JT.

I got a miniature Gordons from the "gin fairy" after a nasty incident earlier this year, you need to get some gin fairies on yer roof.

Jayne said...

It's a slap-it-together type of Chrissy day here so I'm kicking back and ignoring the fuss...until 2 days before! ;)

Ampersand Duck said...

Don't forget the arsenic. Put a big note on the fridge, preferably on rice paper or something that can be eaten by the dog later.

Caroline said...

Night before:

Do a poo.

I mean really they pay people to write this tosh?

R.H. said...

It's worse than I thought, I've just seen the clive peeters catalogue:

LG 42" plasma: $1099.

Panasonic 42" plasma: $1249.


On December 8 I'll be home with all the blinds pulled down.

JahTeh said...

River, I bought Pepsi Max today but I do like the Sprite Zero so I bought that too. The diet crap is merely a token thought of dieting, one really should make an effort.

Miles, you have to be kidding. I mean I've heard of buying next Christmas' presents at the sales which I'd never do because I'd only keep them for myself but planning, erk.

Andrew, my mother will not be anywhere near me and if I don't tell her she won't know it's Christmas until Boxing day. Most of my memories of Christmases Past are best confined to the dark recess of what's left of my mind.

Phil, there's a 'gin fairy'? (no, not you Andrew)But miniature gin is a work of the Devil. That's not even a drink, it's eyewash.

Jayne, the best kind. Throw a reindeer on the barbie and grab whatever's nearest from the vegie patch. Don't forget the booze though. Are you brewing your own?

Good one Duckie but you have a man that cooks and I want photos of the pudding. I went overboard today and bought a 4oz one to microwave.

Caroline, That's not Christmassy. I want to see antlers on Luke and Shep and a sugar mouse for Pusskat and Oedipus. Now get with the spirit unless your mother's coming, in which case you're excused from frivolity.

Rh, you're such a cynic. Harris Scarfe had no deposit layby today and I bought new towells and pillows. The old pillows will be made into cushions and the old towells into hand towells and polishing rags. No wasting on Plasma TVs here.

Miles McClagan said...

No, it was a genuine book, I remember it scared me witless...on Boxing Day you had to start preparing the food for next year, I wish I could remember how it went, but it was bloody awful!

Caroline said...

my mother's coming

JahTeh said...

Miles, How do you prepare food 12 months ahead unless they meant fattening up the sacrificial fowl?

Caroline, there's only one thing to do, stop filling the hole in the creek. You'll need room to hide the body.
Um, your sister's not coming as well?

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