Saturday, August 07, 2010

I haz hurtz, srsly.

Keyboarding will probably be comprimised, no, fingers are working.
Too much rushing around when I'm tired, not eating (yes it happens) then rushing when I get home because cat wants food, kitty litter cleaned, wants out front door, wants in back door and all before I get my cloak off.
I wouldn't have seen mum if sister had told me she was going but then her visits are usually five minutes long and out the door. Anyway I had the cheque to keep Ma there for another month and more card making stuff so she doesn't notice I'm not around as much.

So about 10 p.m. I'm not feeling so good and head off to bed, 10.30, 11.00, 11.30, midnight, toilet. F*^%& panic attacks. By 2 a.m. I'm all calmed down, warm and ready to sleep and I need a pee. Isn't it always the way?
Don't bother with slippers or dressing gown, quick visit.
Finish, get up, knock toilet roll to the floor and bend down to pick it up.
Both feet slip due to newly cleaned and polished floor. People never put a bright bright light in the toilet when you've only had a pale one, shows every bit of grime and dust and urges a cleaning frenzy. So the feet slip, and because I'm a little (ok, lot) top heavy, gravity takes over and I'm flat out like a lizard drinking.
Fortunately I didn't shut the door or concussion would be added to my hurtz.

So I swear and go into raising the Titanic mode. This consists of kneeling, palms down, and walking feet to upright like insywinsy spider. Slight flaw in the plan, half of me is on tiles, the other half is on carpet. Palms are down, arms straight, ready legs. Crap, slippery floor, toes and calves cramp and Titanic is down again. Lay there for a minute uncramping toes which is a danger sign of spine going into meltdown. Did I mention I hadn't bothered to put the lights on or my glasses? Thought not.

Chair, I need a chair for my arms to pull me up. Closest one is next door in the study. Start dragging myself there, which hurts elbows and shoulders and cramps toes again. Idiot, flip over and bumwalk to chair and if I do that I can reach the light switch and see where the sodding chair is. Even given the padding on my backside, bumwalking hurtz but toes uncramp. Another slight problem, chair is swivel and on wheels. Turn it round til it's just resting against computer table and pray that everything including self doesn't go through the window.

Success, once I get both feet flat on the floor, I can pull the rest of me up. Kneeling on the parts underneath the knees is the most painful thing. If anyone ever has a heart attack near me, they're gone, no way could I kneel to do CPR. So now I'm standing, nothing broken except my swear button and I'm off to bed but I should have put an icepack on the spine first. Not a snowball's chance of doing that, I'm freezing and have the shakes.

Collateral damage this morning, left hand, right thumb, left shoulder, neck muscles, toes still cramping, sore buttock muscles from bumwalking, tendency to burst into tears and core body temperature low due to frequency of ice packs to spine and sore boobs since, due to gravity, they hit the floor before I landed on them.

The only kind thing today was the sun shining through my bedroom window warming me before I had to move to feed the cat, let it out the front door, turn the heater on for it, open the back door and stagger back to bed.

But the killer is, there's not a chocolate in the house due to resolution no. 4568 to start a diet and no chocolate until Sunday.


Jayne said...

I can lend you a phrase I learnt from the delectable Mr Stephan Fry which would be apt for those situations; Buttery Fuck.
Medicinal whisky/rum/gin/whatever and I hope no carpet burns were obtained while lacking the usual fun.

JahTeh said...

Jayne, I did leave rather a clean trail through the dust on my way to the chair which means the nightdress I'm still wearing must be filthy. In my current state I should not be allowed near booze.
Mr Fry's phrase is positively genteel against my utterances.

River said...

oh Yowch! You don't do things by halves do you? Had to hurt the whole body in one go. I hate ice packs, they're so bloody cold. Could you have crawled hands and knees to the chair instead of trying to stand? But woo-hoo on the bumwalking. I haven't done that in years. Wonder if I still can?

Kath Lockett said...

Buttery Fuck - via Jayne and the delightful Stephen Fry are the ONLY two words to describe your dark situation.

I hope that you feel warm soon - chuck the ice packs and just cocoon yourself in something soft.

As for chocolate - I can't believe I'm saying this - but it mightn't help. A coffee with a good slosh of booze in it would though!

Ann ODyne said...

oh my dear how absolutely spontaneous a fall can be. extreme sympathy and commiserations from me.
Clean floors and clean shower-bases Are Very Dangerous. clean=slippery.
grime is a fall retardant

Not turning the light on is going way to far in reducing carbon use.
way too far. wishing speedy realignment of all bits X X

R.H. said...

Mein Gott!- lucky you had the pee first!

If I ever slip it won't be because the floors are clean.

R.H. said...

Next door gone away on holiday, the old bat. I'm making the most of it. Recital began 4am, played a special for you: "Tea for Two" from No, No, Nanette by Vincent Youmans who I think was a bit of a perv (no reflection on you).
Well lots of drunks fall over in the shithouse (no reflection on you) but how many can cross a floor on their bums? Golly, a demo on youtube would be the biggest hit ever!

Tea for two
And two for tea
And waltzing you
In the lavat'ry
All could see
We wouldn't stop to peeee.


When you recover I'm taking you to Footscray Mall for a goat meat sandwich.

(Busk your bumwalk!)


JahTeh said...

River, I can't crawl on 30cm of scar tissue down each leg which is why I do the getting up thing as fast as possible. Trouble was having no slippers on or anything to dig into for leaverage. I love my ice packs but not so much in winter.

Kath, you can't mean that, just knowing chocolate was to hand would have been all I needed. And the booze cupboard was further away than the bed.

Annie O, spontaneous was the word, I still can't quite remember how it happened, just the overbalancing part and the slow slide to splatt.

Robbert, I love singing 'Tea for Two' but 4 a.m.? Someone will shoot you one day.
I could bumwalk for Australia, I'm that fast, it's the cheek padding and flexible joints and I'd certainly bumwalk away from a goatmeat sandwich.

R.H. said...

Yes, and it would bumwalk straight after you.

Jayne said...

*iz poking you to see if'n you iz still alivez*
Lolcat speak courtesy of feral kidlet making way too many lolcats.

JahTeh said...

Robbert, anything regarding a goatsmeat sandwich wouldn't surprise me.

Jayne, no poking the dead body, it hurtz. It wasn't the falling down, it was the getting up that did the damage. Mother was horrified only because the thought of being left in sister's care horrifies her more.

Middle Child said...

R H's comment "hahaha" I had a period when I was falling over just in the way you said - and i used to joke I would be dog food before anyone found me - then the old doggie I slep with the door shut so the cats have to eat each other first, and leave me alone - I've got one of those little battery run press lights beside the bed and take it with me...hope you are not still sore