Tuesday, March 17, 2015

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up cat and gently hold in recumbent position between your upper left arm and body, its head grasped by your left hand.  Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks whilst holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop the pill in.  Allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Hold cat more firmly under left arm and try the same procedure again.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap.  Cradle the cat firmly in left arm, this time with head toward forearm as if holding a baby.  Hold rear paws and tail tightly with the left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Staunch bleeding and apply band-aid to deep scratches on left hand, retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call wife in from garden and ask her to assist.  Assure her again about not being necessary to take the cat to vet for such a simple procedure.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees.  Hold front and rear paws firmly.  Ignore low menacing growls from cat.  Get wife to hold cat's head firmly with one hand. Insert ruler into cat's mouth, drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Apply more band-aids and retrieve cat from curtain rail.  Get another pill from foil wrap. Make mental note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Sweep shattered Royal Doulton figurines from hearth, console distraught wife and consult household insurance policy for claim information.

8. Wrap cat in large thick towel and get wife to lay on top of cat so its head is just visible below her armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw.  Force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label on box to make sure pill is not harmful to humans.  Drink a large glass of water to get rid of the vile taste.  Apply band-aids to wife's upper arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.  Apologize again to wife for swearing and assure her you do like cats.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave its head showing.  Keep a firm pressure on the cupboard door with knee, force cat's mouth open with handle of tablespoon.  Get wife to flick pill down cat's throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to gash on chest and check medical receipts for date of last tetnus shot.  Throw out ripped and bloodied T-shirt and get new one from bedroom.  Apologize to sobbing wife for totally unwarranted remarks about women and plead temporary insanity caused by cat's violent attack.

12. Ring fire brigade and retrieve cat from tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbour who crashed his car into fence whilst avoiding cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's paws, bind tightly to dining room table leg.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold cat's head back and keeping spanner in mouth, pour half a carton of milk to wash pill down.

14. Try to calm wife, agree to see marriage counselor and get her to drive you to emergency room at local hospital.  Sit quietly whilst doctor stitches forearm and removes pill fragments from your right eye.  Stop by furniture store on the way home to order new table and book carpet in for steam cleaning.

15. Report cat's disappearance to RSPCA and ask them to arrange a new home for cat if found. Ring wife at her mother's to ask how she is.  Check freezer for tv dinners.

I did have a cat who took a pill quite calmly and waited until midnight for revenge, I have the scars to prove it.


JahTeh said...

This is for you River and one of your commentors who vaguely remembered it.

River said...

Thank you so much!! :) :) :)This is SO funny.
I'm not sure I'll try these methods if Angel should need any pills in future. I might try putting a pill in a chunk of steak, if that doesn't work he's on his own. Get better or die.(*~*)
More likely when the vet says "can you give him pills?" I'll say NO and probably get liquid medicine. Which he still won't take.
Really, after all my bragging about how he licks anything off a spoon, including worming paste, he's gone and made a liar out of me.

Elephant's Child said...

This is close to the mark for some cats.
One of ours ate anti-biotics from our hand. Until the last one. Which she refused to take. We had been told that cats also MUST finish an anti-biotic course. There was a soggy pill and blood. None of the blood was the cat's.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi JT,

Very true and very funny.

We get the vet to give pills to the cats; they are so much better at it than we are.




Andrew said...

Funnily the same arrived in our email inbox yesterday, sent by a friend. It was hard to read though as it wasn't set out in point form.

JahTeh said...

River, it was bad enough getting Rescue Remedy on the Bear's neck let alone a pill down his throat. I swear he could hear me open that bottle a mile off.

EC, from what I've heard of Jazz and Jewell you wouldn't get me near them without full hazmat gear.

Plasman, I didn't realize you were so wealthy. In this neighbourhood you almost have to mortgage the house for a vet visit.

Andrew, did you ever have cats? I only remember you talking about dogs.
I miss the heady days of a blog meme arriving once a week and still have a copy of "The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S, Army".
Gives me a laugh even now.

Elephant's Child said...

Jewel is fine. Jewel is a little sweety. Jazz is a psychopath. Beautiful, but a psychopath.

JahTeh said...

EC, does Jazz have any white hairs at all?
An all black cat with no white is considered to be a witch's familiar, sounds like Jazz, no?

Elephant's Child said...

No white hairs. And yes, I am a witch. Sometimes spelt with a b.