Lace and a trace of leather

 I love watching a wedding dress show which is on really late but it's worth the laugh. Fat brides, really enormous brides with humongous boobs and then there are the really really big arses, for balance so they don't fall over from the big boobs. I can throw stones, I'm leader of this bunch but I would never choose a bridal dress with strapless top and something that tries to make out there's a waist under the boobs and above the bum. And they want it fairy tale pouffy with bling but it doesn't work because they walk like draught horses. If you're paying $15,000 for a dress then you must pay for a concrete corset to wear it properly, like stand up straight, no slouching and learn how to glide and no buying 6 inch heels if you're not used to them.  I always remember Sarah Ferguson clumping down the aisle like a race to the prize.  Strapless with boobs always needs a little something to soften the shoulders so you don't look like a Sumo wrestler.

I love this dress.  I love the blush pink colour under the gauze. I love the floaty sleeves and the lace and the V neckline.  The back is just as pretty with a long train of the flower lace gauze. Now think giant boobs practically sitting on the hips without that waist.  It's the kind of dress that could suit BIG. You have to imagine it, probably think about it for about an hour until the picture jells.

And forget the really overloaded perfume flowers like lilies unless you intend to have all the bridesmaids perfume co-ordinated with the flowers.  Never mind all the guests wearing different perfumes as well. The Bride supposed to be the standout with a gentle wafting perfume that follows her into the venue not gallops through the door 5 minutes before she does.

I bought  new cologne the other day, on special. Since I can't go anywhere I'm wearing to bed, makes my dreams sweeter. It had all the citrusy ingredients I love and since it was a man's cologne (it was cheap special) it also had a touch of leather. I couldn't think how the leather would go and how did leather smell anyway.  By the time it had worn down to the base notes, I could just get a faint whiff, like wearing a new watch or walking into a shoe shop, an expensive shoe shop with delicate matching handbags or fine leather gloves, not politically correct these days. Then the smell was gone and the citrus stayed on. 

So there are your blogger influences for today and it's free.

Still on the dream house

I did tell you that I would be putting in a glass elevator and I think this is perfect. No toiling up the stairs for us broken old tarts, we will have style. 

Now who would like the blue bedroom?  I love the buttoned blanket box at the foot of the bed but I would have my books in that.  Only the best chandeliers for my friends. I love the rug so much I would be happy to sleep on that.

Now because I so rude about dear Andrew, I've picked out a lovely room for him.  Notice all the panelling, it's sound proofing as I've heard his snoring could outdo a fog horn. Really, Highriser, I think you would look quite handsome in this room.

Leave your colour preference in the comments and I will do my best interior decorating skills for you.  Sorry Elephant's Child but I have not found one room with penguin rugs or wallpaper.  I was looking for a wall sized mural with ice and penguins but I will keep searching. 

Why bother?

This is Ashley James and she's wearing a  Bluebella emerson bra.  At least she's not wearing a Bluebella emerson thong, painful.  Coming from someone who should register her boobs as lethal weapons, I really shouldn't throw tits at tits but these look so uncomfortable I just had to speak up.
I know feminists are supposed to support women in anything they choose to do and wear and if Ashley wants to tie herself in triangles, good for her.   All I can see is me tying myself in knots trying to figure out what string goes where and what part will it support.  

This is when I thought of men wearing this, they'd only have to wear half of the Bluebella emerson but wait for a moment and it will blow your mind, yes, you've got it. Their anatomy means two bits will fall out and one bit will be strangled. A fitting revenge for the comfort of their boxer boy legs they didn't think we should wear.  

Is that a little garbled?  Well I haven't had any coffee and I'm going to see mother and I can't find any knickers which is why Ashley got right up my nose.  I am wearing underwire bras but one wire has gone missing so slightly lopsided until I yoiked up the strap and I am now even.  I need coffee.

Fashion shoes and I are divorcing

Surely someone can slap up a fab arthritis support shoe for scrunched feet that are wider and hurtier and swollen and ugly but have a need to be prettified.  I swear mine are starting to look like the feet in Roald Dahl's "The Witches" but hurting more.

But not like these.

Or these.

But it seems I will be left with this pair.

I love Minions.  With my soon to be mine 'Blue Flash'  walker and my Converse Minions I will officially be a designated Crazy Old Woman.    Kill me now.

And my last word on this vile Government, after watching Question Time this afternoon which nearly had me upchucking over my Minions.

One on every street corner.

 

And you thought being rich makes for the perfect wedding.

 Glorious Valentino lace wedding gown, $50,000

 Hand made Louboutin wedding shoes with her new name, price unknown.

Having someone park the car on your floating veil, priceless.

Happy Day Nicky Hilton Rothschild.

Twenty-Five thousand dollars a ticket entitles one to look like a tit

This is the gown Annie O mentioned yesterday.  Rihanna is dragging it along and giving every punster on Facebook the delight of a lifetime.  The back view has everything on it from pizza toppings to bacon but I'll stick with the original version.  And yes, there is another dress under it.

And where would we be without Lady Gaga and her "Transformers" boots. They are so huge I really did expect them to suddenly transform into small sports cars.
 

 Sarah Jessica Parker's headdress was by Phillip Treacey, well known supplier of head gear to the Princesses of York. Surely you haven't yet forgotten the lavatory seat come pretzel worn by Princess B at the big wedding.  The back of this gown was rather lovely, covered in dazzling embroidered red poppies.  But her hands.....she's only a small person but has huge hands and they're veined and aged looking.  The headdress would have distracted your eyes.

And to finish off, a back view of our trash winners of yesterday. 
Going through the photos of eek frocks, I found that by looking at the background some really lovely dresses were caught on camera but with this lot it's anything for my career and any photo is a good photo.

Wintour says "No selfies at Met Gala"

Next year perhaps Anna  Wintour might say bring classy dressing, leave showgirl trash at home.  One journalist excused Jennifer Lopez's daring bit of net because her body was toned to perfection. Someone's big foot on the back of that train and nothing would be excused.  

I looked at this and in my mind I could see the ever lovely Cher wearing it.  And why would it have been better on the Cher body because she never took herself seriously and would have worn this with loads of fun.  Alas, we have the Kardashian wearing it sans underwear of any kind and no class and definitely no sense of fun. Her accessory for the evening was the morose husband who did not wear a see through lace Tuxedo.

Hurrah for Australia's Jess Hart.  The Met Gala Ball's theme was China and she dazzled although it's a bit hard to see against the red carpet.  This dress is also net and could have been as classless as the other two but for the jewel encrusted lace that showed class instead of skin.  And for a bit of fun, a black pussy cat clutch.

I could have put more horrors here but for the rest go to the Daily Mail's report but do it on an empty stomach.

Binged up that long weekend.

This is my other 'mother tranquilizer', lace dresses.   It's a wedding dress but I hate bare shoulders in a wedding dress so I would wear it lounging around the house since I'm not likely to meet a Prince to waltz me around a ball room.  I just love the falling lace from the faux bustle and I would have it in, you guessed it, burgundy and with beads, swarovski beads naturally.  It is how I would have preferred the Duchess of Cambridge's dress to have looked, I felt her gown was very hard with the pleated back even with the lace.  Hated the tiara, it wasn't high enough for the heaviness of the veil. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
 

I've no bitching about this cake.  It looks glorious although I think they cheated with silk flowers instead of handmade sugar pieces.  Ivory on top of burgundy icing with touches of gold, definitely me.
No photos of shoes, I'm going barefoot.

Mother is back from the grave.  My sister, the geriatric nurse of nearly 40 years, has never seen any one come back as many times as she has.  We know the other boot is going to fall but it's almost like that experiment where the fluid flows so slowly it only forms a droplet about once in a hundred years. 

Deadly weapons....and mother

A blog post about things that are more painful than Mother, just.  Miss O'Dyne sent me these. I love the jewells and the colour but the heels so high. Not to mention the part when I'd need a toectomyor three just to fit.  Definitely drooling and looking at items.

Love the colour, love the jewells wrapped around the heels but these should be on a register of lethal weapons.  One good high kick and there goes a lung or if you're really good, an eye.

A two for one here. The heels are horrible and the dress could burn out retinas with too long a glance. She's had a Brazilian or the Hollywood tape wouldn't stick to make sure there wasn't a wardrobe malfunction. It's a really horrible outfit, no wonder she's hiding behind all that hair.  Can't tell you the designer, I think anonymous might feature somewhere.

Now here is a flat sandal for us except I will tell you if you have a fat big toe then gangrene is nigh if you walk too far in that leather ring.  That's me, speaking from experience.  But I do love the fish and the gold and the jewell.  A drop of Araldyte here and there so I could keep them on and I'd be happy.

Mother rang last night about 7.30.  A long day according to her but it was okay because she slept through most of it.  And why did I buy her two sets of Phrynne Fisher when she need the second series, she sick of watching the same dvd.  Yes, I have bought both series, she is putting the dvd back in the wrong cover every time she watches it and yes, I have had this conversation about 6 years ago when she kept watching Midsommer Murder and putting the dvd back in the wrong cover. After 5 minutes of this too-ing and fro-ing I sincerely lost the will to live. 

In the eye of the beholder

Lisa Fonssagrives (1911-92) was one of the most photographed models of the 1950s.  Born in Sweden and trained as a ballet dancer, she had every fashion photographer singing her praises and even married one, Irving Penn.  She was featured on the cover of Time magazine but in the article she was quoted as saying, "It is always the dress, it is never the girl, I'm just a good clothes hanger."
As for the figure, she maintained it by eating little and often, up to ten meals a day.  But a meal to her might mean 6 grapes, a single slice of cheese, one cracker and half a glass of wine. Always eating, but never anything much, was her motto.
In the last photo she does look very slim but it's hard to tell what's really underneath the big gowns or pencil skirts since the underpinnings were stiff bras and tight girdles.
Did she really look like this?

Cassie Van den Dungen copped a blast at Fashion Week when wearing this outfit.  She was miffed and said if she called someone fat and why don't you lose weight and they were upset, why was it so different to her being called thin and put on some weight.  Well, thin is not a word I'd use here and fat as I am, I'm not jealous of this figure.  Cassie even instagrammed (?) the food on her plate which might have been more believable if she'd put herself on YouTube actually eating the food.
My point is that Lisa might have been a great clothes hanger but Cassie is a coat hook.

A flash outfit for a DeLuxe Star

Now I can just see this outfit on Fenstar along with the matching Converse sneakers. I know where to buy a swell dress to go with this divine corset.  
 
 

And I found the perfect motto  for us.

Never forget, we deserve the best.

I'm getting too old to dream

If I have one fetish about shoes, it's bows. Bows on the back, the sides, the front or tied around the ankles.  I've just been looking at 1970s shoes, no bows just horrible clunks and I lived through that era so I went looking for something to soothe the blistered eyes.  Herewith....

These just made my eyes water.  They must be kidding, no-one could possibly walk with these on.  I mean there's nothing to keep the feet in the shoes for a start except maybe glue.  As for walking, how about little tiny wheels or ball bearings hidden in the heel and the sole and one just glides along.
 
 

 This was better, it has a bow and it's Valentino and I love the colour and I have absolutely no idea how you get the things on the feet and up the legs.  There might be a zip on the inside but I can't see dear Valentino wrecking the look of his fancy boot with a zip.  It must be very soft leather and just a pull up does the trick.  Unfortunately with my funny fat legs, I'd have to use a bullock hide for each leg so there goes another fashion dream.

Well, ladies, it all comes down to this. Peacock painted Converse sneakers, they look divine, we couldn't possibly fall off them and since they come in man size, they'll fit.  I could always stick a little sparkly peacock jewell or three on the canvas and you know where the bow part comes in.  I wonder if they make gold laces?

Slag off at youth fashion and it means "OLD"

 Miss O'Dyne sent me this image some time ago when I was drooling on about velvet gowns and at 17 I really wanted to be this sophisticated. At 18 I managed to get the hair right and on my best coat I had an Arctic Fox fur collar. In those far off days of walking and freezing trains and no way of ever owning a car, I needed the warmth and we weren't exactly taught the moral ethics of not killing animals for fashion. The velvet dresses came later, much too late for the kind of lounging that Miss Elegance has perfected. I remembered this photo while I was wandering through the luxury items of Buccellati jewellers and I knew these ruby and diamond earrings would be perfect and of course a matching bracelet to complete the decadence.

Now we can start the bitching. Her straggling hair. Her bra straps. Her shapeless velvet and miles too short dress. Heavy belt, grungy jewellery and "shooties", cross between a shoe and a boot. You see what I mean about "old", it isn't elegant to me. It isn't even good dressing. I would wear that out to get the milk. But that's just me and even if she was my granddaughter I'd never say a word to her face. Behind her back is another matter. What's life when you're old without something to bitch about. At least she hasn't the bad taste to wear my beloved Buccellati rubies with it.

WBD

A columnist at the Daily Mail referred to these dresses as WBD as opposed to LBD or Why be Bothered Dress  as opposed to the Little Black Dress.  The little black dress is standard in any wardrobe, classy up dressed or day time down dressed. The why be bothered dress looks as if they couldn't be bothered putting on underwear and our last image of Jennifer Lawrence really shows why it looks trashy. How much more elegant it would have been with a full length underskirt instead of her all-in-one which must have been hell to get out of in the loo.  Second image down did have skin coloured mesh keeping back and front together but what an ugly get-up all over.

Would image 2 look graceful without those silk net petticoats? I don't think so. Of course I had to put in one of my favourite colours, that plum is gorgeous. Not fussed about Anne Hathaway's bustle but Sandra Bullock looks tall and elegant in non see through red. 
Call me old fashioned but I love beautiful gowns on the red carpet so girls, look in a mirror before you leave home and if you can see too much then so can we.

Shoes and jewells

 Just to show you that I'm not against lovely shoes, just ugly ones, I'm posting these.  I never want to see feet in them. I just want to put them in glass cases and drool over them. Now if someone would just make those sneakers I liked in burgundy and put these jewells down the front, I would be a happy walker.

What is a shoe without a foot?

Actually better looking than the feet. Is that a pleasant sight in the above image? Wrinkled skin around the heel, veins bulging, and somebody shoot the toes and put them out of their misery.

Notice the gap at the back and the high arch where the shoe doesn't fit and once again the toes are screaming for help.

Oh this poor pair of feet.  Chinese girls were forced to bind their feet to make them small and dainty and she has done this of free will.  It might look elegant from 20 metres away but up close and personal, ugly stance, veins and red pressure marks.

These squished toes belong to Emma Watson. Hermione would have been much more sensible, still she could have given Voldemorte a jolly good kicking and turned and stabbed a vein as well.

It was a toss up between these two pairs of feet to get the ultimate ugly and old spikey up above got the award. These feet do not belong to some old crone but it's a good thing ugly doesn't rise like dough. Those veins are above the ankle and heading north. Red marks rapidly morphing into blisters, scrunched toes and those awful Louboutins with spikes. A real winner.

And runner-up but only because I can't see a bulgy vein but those poor toes trying desperately to escape imprisonment and failing.  And all of these feet without the comfort of hosiery but I suppose they couldn't work out how to get pantyhose on beneath or over the Spanx.

Yes I am in a bitch of a mood, wear it.