"JAWS" the ultimate experience.

This is a room at the Conrad Maldives Rangali Island owned by the Hilton Hotel Chain.  I would lie awake all night listening for cracks in the ceiling and wanting to pee every 5 minutes.  If I did sleep I'd probably wake up thinking someone was watching me and look up to see every fish for a hundred miles peering down like I was an exhibit in some underwaterworld for aquatic strangelings. 
The worst thing is that this is what could and will happen to the Maldives Islands if the ocean rises just a few centimetres more.  The Islands are in danger from climate change so one day I guess we will think nothing of booking a room with a wet view.  I don't think I could eat fish in the dining room, it could be someone's relative.

If I could just go back

 I laughed way too hard at this cat and his outfit but I really needed to spark up and this did it.  It's such a dopey looking cat but it must have a sweet nature.
I've lost a week of what I did. I picked up my diary last night and I haven't written a word since last Saturday. I can't think what I did or what happened and it's been nagging at me all night.  I've picked up a few bits and pieces. I mean I can't forget setting the kettle on fire, that was Wednesday and last night, I burnt my tea.  I didn't even do my online shopping until Tuesday and that was four days late.
It's mother, of course, infection up again but she won't believe it isn't just a cold she can't get rid of. I went down yesterday, freezing cold outside and all I wanted was to stay home and be warm.

And so for my sake and River's dreams, I went looking for Conservatories again.  I loved this one, an upstairs, full of light room and I demand that it overlooks the sea. It has to, why would you build an upstairs if it didn't overlook something soothing like waves and birds and clouds.
 

I was rather partial to this one but I'm building this on my bedroom, like a giant window nook but with my bed in it. Just my bed, the rest of the bedroom junk goes in the half you can't see. I'd only have the door if I decided to build it off the kitchen for a dining room then I could open the door on hot nights and get the south breeze.
 

I think I've posted the front of this one which was a guest house but the brick part would be where the library shelves are and the glass part is for the comfy couches and foot stools for lolling about reading. Plenty of room for a stunning desk with a concealed computer which I saw on "Grand Designs". 
I still can't remember most of last week but I feel better now.  
I'm coming up to one of those monstrous birthdays, you know the ones that let you know you're not getting any younger whatever you do so I thought I might put together my dream wedding. That's the wedding you have when you're not ever going to have a wedding again. My special delight will be re-making the groom into something that resembles a human. 

It's about time we looked at something great.  This is Mt. Sangeang Api - Lesser Sunda Islands and it threw enough of a fit to ground flights out of Australia which made a lot of whingeing people hang about in airports.  Don't any of them watch those aircraft doco's that show what happens when volcanic ash is sucked into jet engines?  I'm addicted to Air Crash Investigations, it's like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for me.  Never get on a plane, it will go down, this message will show behind my eyes every time I see some place I might like to travel to.

But the great thing about these photographs taken just as it went right off its rocker is in the middle of the right side ( your right side looking at the screen).  There are two beautifully formed Lenticular clouds. You know the ones that form over mountain tops and look like caps or flying saucers.  The second photo (your left side) shows the explosive hot gas  going right through the centre of those Lenticular clouds. 
It's one of those 'on the spot' shots that happen once and never again. 

Binged up that long weekend.

This is my other 'mother tranquilizer', lace dresses.   It's a wedding dress but I hate bare shoulders in a wedding dress so I would wear it lounging around the house since I'm not likely to meet a Prince to waltz me around a ball room.  I just love the falling lace from the faux bustle and I would have it in, you guessed it, burgundy and with beads, swarovski beads naturally.  It is how I would have preferred the Duchess of Cambridge's dress to have looked, I felt her gown was very hard with the pleated back even with the lace.  Hated the tiara, it wasn't high enough for the heaviness of the veil. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
 

I've no bitching about this cake.  It looks glorious although I think they cheated with silk flowers instead of handmade sugar pieces.  Ivory on top of burgundy icing with touches of gold, definitely me.
No photos of shoes, I'm going barefoot.

Mother is back from the grave.  My sister, the geriatric nurse of nearly 40 years, has never seen any one come back as many times as she has.  We know the other boot is going to fall but it's almost like that experiment where the fluid flows so slowly it only forms a droplet about once in a hundred years. 

Deadly weapons....and mother

A blog post about things that are more painful than Mother, just.  Miss O'Dyne sent me these. I love the jewells and the colour but the heels so high. Not to mention the part when I'd need a toectomyor three just to fit.  Definitely drooling and looking at items.

Love the colour, love the jewells wrapped around the heels but these should be on a register of lethal weapons.  One good high kick and there goes a lung or if you're really good, an eye.

A two for one here. The heels are horrible and the dress could burn out retinas with too long a glance. She's had a Brazilian or the Hollywood tape wouldn't stick to make sure there wasn't a wardrobe malfunction. It's a really horrible outfit, no wonder she's hiding behind all that hair.  Can't tell you the designer, I think anonymous might feature somewhere.

Now here is a flat sandal for us except I will tell you if you have a fat big toe then gangrene is nigh if you walk too far in that leather ring.  That's me, speaking from experience.  But I do love the fish and the gold and the jewell.  A drop of Araldyte here and there so I could keep them on and I'd be happy.

Mother rang last night about 7.30.  A long day according to her but it was okay because she slept through most of it.  And why did I buy her two sets of Phrynne Fisher when she need the second series, she sick of watching the same dvd.  Yes, I have bought both series, she is putting the dvd back in the wrong cover every time she watches it and yes, I have had this conversation about 6 years ago when she kept watching Midsommer Murder and putting the dvd back in the wrong cover. After 5 minutes of this too-ing and fro-ing I sincerely lost the will to live. 

The verdict is in.....Not

So I had to post something to make myself feel better. As well as the divine conservatory, I think I'll put on a second storey to the house to annoy the neighbours even more and it will have a lift but to show off, I'm having this.  It's a staircase with the steps filled with Swarovski crystals, can you imagine the sunlight bouncing through the house with these?

Now for the Mother news.  I've been at the Home for the whole week.  I haven't been to bed before 1 a.m. for a week.  This morning she rings and says how wonderful she feels and she's getting up for a shower.  Of course I would be wonderful too if I was full of Oxygen, cortisone, antibiotics and the real deal Morphine.  She nearly went Wednesday night but Doc Marvin got my message (big mouth I have) and went down after night surgery then to make sure she had the right medication, he went to the pharmacy and brought it back himself.  Gave her a shot of Morphine and she slept all night.

I am so freaking tired, I think I'll just put a straw in the Gin bottle.

It all could be ending soon

Blogging might be sporadic for the next week as Mother slips away or not.  She has had two episodes in the last 24 hours when she's turned a delicate shade of purple and now has a large oxygen tank permanently by the bed.  Of course last night wasn't helped by lazy bitch agency nurse who wouldn't answer her call bell.  My sister got to the D.O.N. before I did this morning but I got to terrorise everyone this afternoon.  The D.O.N walked past the room at least 15 time this afternoon but not once did she come in and see if mum was okay.
The old girl had a shower this morning but was straight on to oxygen and put to bed.  If she is moved around too much the fluid in her lungs moves and she can't breathe at all.  I got to bring all the tri-pillow covers home to wash because I've got nothing else to do.  So throw all in the machine and reach in for a few more and find I've been giving house room to a filigree hamster lounging in my washing basket. That now accounts for the kibble bits floating around the kitchen and the fat white lump's fascination with watching his food dishes.  I just love the wildlife living in my house, spider in the hall, rat in the laundry, stupid cat all over me.

It is all coming to an end or not.  My mother is such a control freak that she's waiting for St. Peter to give her the keys for the Pearly gates so she can go when she wants not to some ethereal being's timetable.  Look for lightning, that'll be her slamming the gates shut.

Around the Pins

 This is a swimming pool built around an aquarium. You swim on the outside, the sharks swim on the inside and we all know how wrong that can go. I remember being taken to the aquarium at Sorrento or somewhere down there, I was young and impressionable.  I was standing close to the glass fascinated at being so close to live fish, I never saw the shark coming until it was practically cruising through one ear and out the other. And all that stuff they tell you about, like banging it on the nose, shoving a finger in its eye to save yourself, forget it. I went straight to freeze mode and I still do that at the beach if a piece of seaweed touches me. And it looks a bit deep and dark in that pool, on  the fish side, I have no idea what's around the corner where the light is coming from, hopefully a floating bar with a G&T.

 Now I'm down sizing myself here from the grand to the minute, I mean I still want the big conservatory out the front of the house but this would be just perfect to extend from the kitchen as a breakfast nook. I'd ditch the greenery, can't see the birds feeding but I could make that into padded seats  with tables in fronts. I hate the stupid little light though, ruins the atmosphere of luxury.

 I'll have something like this, pretty in the sunlight and gorgeous lit up on a dull day. River, it's high up, no-one will ever see the dust for a couple of years at least.

Now, in the golden days of blogging, we did have food blogs. Great cooks making up meals for the family, and if we were lucky a photograph of the actual dish not photoshopped into perfection.  This was before everyone had a phone and tweeted every cup of coffee and muffin they scoffed at "this divine little place hidden down a back lane".  Pinterest cake boards are a world on their own, kilojoules leap from the screen and grab you by the throat before you have time to click out.  Even I, the cake queen, could not contemplate eating this monstrosity. It's a Neapoliton chocolate chip cookie cake and it has 47 ounces (don't ask me to convert it, I'll hurt you) of sugar in it. That isn't cream between the layers, it's sugar icing cream and I've never seen pink choc chips before and hope never to again. I almost went on a diet when I saw this.  Next time some person whines about what we eat I'll whip up a batch of wholemeal scones, unadulterated cream (not squirted out of a can) and homemade jam and make a real leaf pot of tea and enjoy it.
Don't ask about mother.

They say time flies but does it have to pretend it's a Concord?

Hello River, you wanted a photo of my new hair cut and here it is and don't think I don't look like this before I've had my morning coffee, a pee and kicked the cat out for his.

I can't believe how long it is since I blogged and so much to blog about but one must be careful these days what with ASIO listening and reading every nasty comment about the authors of that stinking budget. Do you realize they will be the only people in Australia with a confirmed job til the end of their 70 years considering the number of blogs, twitter and facebook abusing this heartless government.
My sister is coming up to retirement after 38 years of nursing, 12 months to go, 12 months of pain in knee joints, back and spine. She's looking forward to the day she doesn't have to deal with death and relatives and can spend hours with books and her garden.  If they do anything to her 'Super' then she's leaving immediately and hiding the whole lot under the bed.

Also, Science, forget anything to do with science especially stem cell research or environmental research or anything else biological.  We are in the hands of the Flat Earth Society.  Even my beloved Synchrotron only has funding for two years.  Scientists have just used this marvel to develop a test for Malaria, a disease which kills over a million people a year of the 300 million infected world wide. I'll do another post on this later.

Besides abusing politicians, I've been throwing out more stuff.  Lovely to see 4 big bags of clothes go to charity the other day.  Not mine, I'm still wearing my rags but the BOH has not worn these for two years, wouldn't know what was there and what was would be far too small for him now. I left his best clothes packed, it's handy for his birthday as I just pick out something and wrap it up. His doona covers and new towells so we're down to just 3 packed bags.  All I have to do now is move a tonne of books, shift that huge picture frame and I can get down the hallway. There are about 100 videos needing to be tossed out, just the videos not the covers, I use those to keep my documentaries in.

I had a list of what needed to be done in each room, it was overwhelming for someone allergic to housework.  So I broke it into small lots, still overwhelming. It's now down to clean that 25cm piece of shelf, hang up 3 dresses and put 10 books away. I'm also going through magazines and only keeping the articles I want.  I think to date I've ditched about 80 craft magazines and I know they should have gone to the op shop but heavy, as in weighing a elephant and I don't drive so I clenched my jaw and tossed the lot but keep the patterns and a folder with good stuff. Don't ask about the garden.

What with mother, chucking out, cleaning (some) washing, and swearing at politicians (bastards) it has been tiring.  How tiring you ask?  Try sitting at the computer to have a luxury half hour at Pinterest and wake up an hour later with the computer keyboard stamped on your forehead.  Hmmm, Pinterest, maybe just for a while before I start moving books and picture frames, I mean they're not going anywhere.

If you...

...didn't laugh out loud at this, then you're in serious need of therapy.  I'm still laughing and I think I'll have to put it on the fridge door for the morning blues.

It's all gone now.

This could have been me 20 years ago.  I had this much hair and I wore it like this with jewelled combs and I dyed it bright Titian red.  I loved my hair when I went red, I felt as though I had become the real me.  No more now, still red, I mean I couldn't  do that to myself but as I walked to the home I detoured through the hairdresser's I've been passing for the last four years.
Nice bloke, nearly choked when he asked how long since I'd had a cut and I said 1975.  He kept asking if I was sure I wanted to do this before the scissors went to work.
It was time.  The last 4 years of stress, medications and ageing has taken its toll of the long and once lustrous locks.  I was finding it harder and harder to colour, wash and bung the whole lot in rollers.  If I didn't do the rollers, it was 'Sideshow Bob' all the way. 
He did ask if I wanted the ponytail to take with me.  Lordy no, it looked dead, lifeless, ratty as though a kid had had enough of luxury Barbie and decided to become a shearer for the day.
I thought I might have some regrets but not a jot, I'm starting a new life albeit in the same old fat body but the hair feels just right.
Mother approved, said I looked younger.

It's mine

Okay so I have Champagne tastes on beer money.  I want this at the front of my house.  I have the room and it would annoy the neighbours so much.  Neighbours who stuffed things in my garbage bin again yesterday when it was already so full, I wondered if the truck would lift it. Idiots.  I'll have it in a lighter colour, not white, perhaps buff and some leadlight, Tiffany style.  All the other conservatories I have in my wish book don't have the gorgeous glass cupola which will take a whopping great chandelier. It won't get hot and won't get cold, I'll invest in triple glazing.  Thank goodness I've finished posting, now I can get on with the Chandelier search.

Continued from down there

This is such a brilliant idea for clutz handed people like me who always manages to pour the hot water in the cup and take the teabag label to the bottom.  And on the subject, memo to cafes who provide straws for bottled drinks, make sure the straw stays above the height of the bottle.  I looked so ladylike last week as I had to try to scrabble for the disappearing straw but gave up and had to drink straight from the bottle.  I couldn't even hide, not sitting in the front window providing amusement to the passing trade.

And I still have one more image because I was keeping the best until last and blogger won't load it.
Okay I give up and will post it later.

Hell week.

It's been a bit of a monster week.  I've fallen asleep in the chair twice and woken up with my head on the computer keyboard and an hour missing.  Once more Lazarus has arisen but she can only make so many comebacks.  So I'm posting all the photos I was saving up for a week.  That portrait of a white cat by Kate Pugsley could really be the Ice Bear. He's not smiling, he's disapproving of my leaving and coming home well after his tea time and cutting down his outside time in the dark not to mention going to sleep in the chair when it's his time to have it.

And for the Fenstar Deluxe, this yummy corset which would look good in any colour but the racy purple looks so luxurius. 

Miss O'Dyne alerted me to this wow bed. That's not a painting above but a real aquarium. How relaxing to lie there and count fish until you fell asleep but with all aquariums it would be a real swine to clean.  I get up enough during the night now without fish sloshing about and making water music but it does look great.

And being on the subject of water, my dream bath. It has steps and I'm sure putting in handrails wouldn't take away from the loveliness. I don't like the look of the tap so handrails and taps will be gold plated and spa jets installed. It's a bit closed in so it will have to have window looking out to a small enclosed courtyard. This really looks like a renovated cellar but I've never found another bath that had the steps I've always wanted.

No, it's not a pool, not water but stained concrete with a polished surface.  American, of course, and it comes in several colours which look like marble.  I need this for my laundry. Stupid ex never fixed the dripping hot water hose to the washing machine and it was only a tiny drip but over months it managed to get in under the cork tiles and saturate the concrete. I managed to chip up the wet tiles but the dry tiles defeated me.  I need a strong man with a big sander to get it all back to the base. I was only going to paint it then with pavement paint but I so love this look but I want it in pink marble finish. Every time I looked at this colour I'd want to pee.
Damn, blogger won't load my last two images so continued above.

Those were the days

I've been tidying and throwning out and if the bin inspectors take a look next garbage day, I'm blaming it all on the BOH.  Anyway I found a folder way back in the bottom drawer and I've been laughing for the last half hour.  Remember the good old days when computers were things of wonder and blogs were a joy to read before Facebook came and turned brains into jelly?  Nothing like a good cup of coffee and the daily email meme to start the day.
This meme has a date of Monday, 25 October, 2004.  Only the name has been changed of the retired subject.

LIE CLOCK

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. 
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's, The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.  The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Abbot's?" asked the man.

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office.  He's using it as a ceiling fan." 

It just goes to show that a good meme never dies, it's just recycled as required.

On my want list

 Dale Chiluly is a remarkable glass artist and lucky Elephant's Child saw some of his work at the Australian National Gallery.  This is a pool and his glass shapes are encased on the bottom with one of his marvellous chandeliers lighting up the water from above.  It would have cost me US$1.7 million in 2010 so it's going to be on the want list for quite some time. 

But this is just my all time want want want pool.  When I get old I can even just run the wheel chair straight in.  No steps, just a quick stroll to the deep end and swim.  I don't care what the cost, this is the pool I want in my backyard, after I buy out the neighbours.

In the eye of the beholder

Lisa Fonssagrives (1911-92) was one of the most photographed models of the 1950s.  Born in Sweden and trained as a ballet dancer, she had every fashion photographer singing her praises and even married one, Irving Penn.  She was featured on the cover of Time magazine but in the article she was quoted as saying, "It is always the dress, it is never the girl, I'm just a good clothes hanger."
As for the figure, she maintained it by eating little and often, up to ten meals a day.  But a meal to her might mean 6 grapes, a single slice of cheese, one cracker and half a glass of wine. Always eating, but never anything much, was her motto.
In the last photo she does look very slim but it's hard to tell what's really underneath the big gowns or pencil skirts since the underpinnings were stiff bras and tight girdles.
Did she really look like this?

Cassie Van den Dungen copped a blast at Fashion Week when wearing this outfit.  She was miffed and said if she called someone fat and why don't you lose weight and they were upset, why was it so different to her being called thin and put on some weight.  Well, thin is not a word I'd use here and fat as I am, I'm not jealous of this figure.  Cassie even instagrammed (?) the food on her plate which might have been more believable if she'd put herself on YouTube actually eating the food.
My point is that Lisa might have been a great clothes hanger but Cassie is a coat hook.

A flash outfit for a DeLuxe Star

Now I can just see this outfit on Fenstar along with the matching Converse sneakers. I know where to buy a swell dress to go with this divine corset.  
 
 

And I found the perfect motto  for us.

Never forget, we deserve the best.

I'm getting too old to dream

If I have one fetish about shoes, it's bows. Bows on the back, the sides, the front or tied around the ankles.  I've just been looking at 1970s shoes, no bows just horrible clunks and I lived through that era so I went looking for something to soothe the blistered eyes.  Herewith....

These just made my eyes water.  They must be kidding, no-one could possibly walk with these on.  I mean there's nothing to keep the feet in the shoes for a start except maybe glue.  As for walking, how about little tiny wheels or ball bearings hidden in the heel and the sole and one just glides along.
 
 

 This was better, it has a bow and it's Valentino and I love the colour and I have absolutely no idea how you get the things on the feet and up the legs.  There might be a zip on the inside but I can't see dear Valentino wrecking the look of his fancy boot with a zip.  It must be very soft leather and just a pull up does the trick.  Unfortunately with my funny fat legs, I'd have to use a bullock hide for each leg so there goes another fashion dream.

Well, ladies, it all comes down to this. Peacock painted Converse sneakers, they look divine, we couldn't possibly fall off them and since they come in man size, they'll fit.  I could always stick a little sparkly peacock jewell or three on the canvas and you know where the bow part comes in.  I wonder if they make gold laces?

For the birds

At last I remembered to put the camera in my bag when I left this morning.  I didn't even notice 10 or 12 of these when I opened the front gate until one squarked. They didn't fly away, far too busy chewing through the berries of the Cotoneaster tree. I think it's a Corella but you know I can't tell one bird from another unless it's Magpie.  And did the Bear wander out to look when I opened the front door, not him. Sound asleep on the chair so I turfed him out before it gets too dark and when the mob took off so did he.  He prefers his birds smaller and in packs of one.  I finally got some great photos though.
UPDATE
When I arrived home last night, some busybody had tied plastic bags in the tree on my property to keep the birds away. So the ground and footpath was a mess but it was my mess and I was looking forward to another sit in my chair outside to de-stress. I don't know who but I have suspicions.