Yes, I'm here and there you all are, fighting, insulting and threatening to shoot each other. Thank the Goddess, my blog family still lives.
I haven't been well, still not well but aiming to get better by sometime next week.
The visit, not exactly a success. The girls arrived at 1.30 p.m. on Thursday so instead of a leisurely stroll around Southland and a nice lunch, everything was rush and more rush. Head off to mother's and take photos, see sister and forget to take photos. Pizza for tea in between turns on the computer to talk to friends in Queensland. Bed by 11.30 and they sleep until after midday on Friday so no wander over to the DFO just videos, left over pizza and more turns on the computer. They are picked up at 7 p.m. Friday night and by 7.30 I'm in bed with a migraine that would fell a draughthorse.
The girls love me but I'm not part of their lives. A two year gap of non-communication left me without anything to talk about. There's an old saying about not being able to go back but it's just as hard to go forward. They didn't want photos taken, one reads books, the other doesn't even read the trash magazines for teens, in fact doesn't read books at all. They like clothes but not make-up. They did allow me to buy some jewellery. One is happy at school, the other is about to start at her third school after being put on the 'expell ladder' at the expensive private school.
Their other family in Melbourne has had parties, having parties and planning parties so I was lucky to have a few hours. A few hours aren't enough to encourage confidences and I could tell the subjects that were taboo including the 'expelling' one. They were happy to see me, happy to be here and I get the feeling that it's an oasis of quiet between parties where they recharge the batteries.
My sister, who's never been in this position, says I'm seeing the glass half empty but a few hours don't make up for the years lost and it's painful to deal with it. I'm not the type to use them as substitutes because my son's dead, I like them for themselves.
So I'm dealing with it and the headache and mother and what feels like a very dead-end life at the moment except for my blog family whose comments have made me laugh for the first time in days.