Tuesday, December 23, 2008


If anything else can go wrong or it will.

I look like having to use the dentist money for a new cistern.

The sewing machine fell apart as I put in the last stitch. The repaired one isn't due back until mid-January and then this one will go out in its place.

My broom fell apart.

The washing machine is leaking from the water hose.

The smoke alarm isn't working (you knew that).

My mother keeps asking if Christmas has been yet.

My hair along my forehead has broken off to about 2 inches from the scalp.

And I failed in my mission to bring about Peace and Goodwill to the entire planet in 2008 which means the space ship won't be picking me up on New Year's Eve. On a good note, the earthlings have taught me that when things are tough it helps to Swear. A. Lot.

And whoever is sending me the email which has already taken nearly 15 minutes to download is going to be hunted down and sacrificed to my pre-Christmas mood.

It's still only 44%. It had better be a luscious naked bloke.

I'm on dial-up remember.

Christmas is the pits.


Armagnac Esq. said...

Tanks for the wishes and advice, and console yourself knowing if the spaceship thing happened then Tom Cruise would be right, and he'd be on board with Katie... which would be hideous.

Merry festive watnots!

JahTeh said...

Armagnac, we don't recognise ersatz space beings and he would be ejected from the nearest airlock. Don't forget to blog the new baby for those of us who refuse to join Faceblergh.

Caroline, that was worth waiting for. Absolutely the best email ever and you should be glad you couldn't hear me singing.

antikva said...

I hope your universe tilts back the right way soon. It's always such a pain when you have to lean over and give it a shove back.

R.H. said...

If you want to dodge Christmas go to Footscray where except for KMART no one knows it's on. Call in at the snoring town hall, get a look at imbecile councillors scared shit of offending goat-meat cafe voodoo apologists by hanging tinsel in the scummy mall. Go there and you're not in Australia at all. Fucking luvvlies!

Meanwhile I've booked you in for a sex re-assignment, don't say I didn't give you anything.

Andrew said...

My broom fell apart.

So you are without transport too?

Seriously though, isn't there a cheap broadband you can get. A government subsidised one?

Caroline said...

Wow, you must have a very persevering dial up. Sorry I would have added an addendum, if you have dial up don't bother,it took ten minutes to download via the work ADSL (all fifty million gigs of it). So of course, I remember now. Within a few seconds of hitting the 'send' button I had a vague sense of guilt for some reason. . .

Jayne said...

Embrace the lovely goodness of fabric glue!
When all else fails, make a batch of scones and indulge in a homemade Devonshire Tea.
I can give you the number of a great little elf who repairs brooms but you need to catch him on the next full moon....

Lord Sedgwick said...

"I'm on dial-up remember."

Of course I remember, me silly ole camisole knickered-knackered paddy whacked moo. You're my first port of call for phone sects.

River said...

Oh no, I hope that isn't the email I sent you, I'm on dial up too and I noticed it was taking forever to send. I assumed that was because I sent it to multiple recipients.
washing machine hose? Duct tape. Lots and lots of duct tape. This will last until you've saved enough money to get a new hose.
The hair break thing? When I was four I chopped off a chunk of my hair in desperate attempts to have a fringe like my friend Cheryl. When my mum said "Did you cut your hair?" I lied to her face and said, "no, it broke off all by itself."
Sorry to hear about your broom falling apart, guess you'll have to get around by bus now, the same as us lesser mortals.

JahTeh said...

Antikva, nothing compared to what you did to yourself last week. I hope the bones are mending.

Rh, a sex re-assignment? Who am I getting? George Clooney would be nice.
I thought Footscray was Italian territory?

Andrew, I can get a reasonable broadband but it's a monthly fee and I have to change the phone etc. etc. so it's easier this way for the moment.

Caroline, it was lovely and well worth the wait. I hope you sent it on to Annie O'Dyne and Therese, they can actually sing in tune.

Jayne, Devonshire tea is not enough. Spray glue is worse than tube glue no wonder chroming fries your brain.

I received your card MiLord, you're going to die in Bendigo and your remains shoved down a mine shaft.

River, dial-up too. I'll send this on because you will enjoy it, just be patient. I loved your tree.