Sunday, August 31, 2008


Spring tomorrow. Goodbye to 31 days of absolute shite involving physical and mental disintegration.

I had to severely slap myself around last night and acknowledge that sometimes, medication is neccessary, very much needed and should be taken without guilt. So I've upped the mind and body equalizers until I get to level ground above this pit of blackness.

I cannot help anybody else. I can't equate their problems with mine and think mine are not as bad and I should be grateful. I'm in trouble, me *slap* so start with the basics, medication and stop feeling guilty that I have to give in and take it.

Constant physical and mental pain shortcircuits everything in most people. Sometimes it doesn't but with me, I tend to be waving okay with one hand and digging myself into the black pit with the other. I find it impossible to talk about it to anyone and yet I will help others without a second thought.

Blame my mother, I do. I've shut down emotions so tightly so that I can deal with her and I don't think I'll ever open up again. Besides it's no good raging at her, she forgets about it after an hour or so but I'm left with the self-recriminations of losing control. My sister deals with it better, she walks out and never thinks about it again. I'm made of weaker stuff.

Thank you Great Maker for Codeine, anxiety pills and muscle relaxants. I'm taking all of them until my glass becomes half full again.

Just to make sure I had a good dose of the irrits. A mother and daughter have shed 140kgs in 16 months. The daughter weighed 166kg. and now weighs 76kgs. She took Celebrity Slim diet shakes for breakfast and dinner, with a cooked lunch including lean meat, fish and vegetables and had a 30 minute walk each day. They said it was easier to lose weight together.

Here's the good bit, Melody's previous diet included up to two blocks of chocolate and a packet of Tim Tams each day. My initial reaction was anyone could lose if they dropped that kind of diet, second reaction was several four letter words because it wasn't me, third reaction was sliding down into the pit again but good luck to both of them if they hold on to those bodies they've gained.

I hate Tim Tams, I don't like chocolate biscuits at all, see there's a silver lining everywhere.


River said...

I'm so glad you're looking after yourself again. There's NO shame at all in taking medication when you need it.
I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to talking to people. I can help others, but can't open up myself. I tend to think my own problems are silly and that people will laugh at me. Then I'll feel stupid.

Kath Lockett said...

I agree with River. I'm on Anti-Ds and will continue to stay on them for as long as they keep my own black pit of despair away.

If you're interested, you might like to read my blog post of 31st August. Similar territory:

Brian Hughes said...

When you have to take as many pills every morning and evening as I do (line 'em up, close eyes, snort the little bastards up a straw to get 'em down quicker) you stop worrying about your weight. If I lost the several excess stones I'm carrying, I'd rattle when I moved.

Caroline said...

New moon tonight just before 8:00pm to see off August, which has been truly, deeply, horrible.

JahTeh said...

Caroline, so true and I'm writing out a new moon wish. Anyway at least you know now that you're not mad, you do have a condition with a name and something can be done. I love the way your Gran called you 'Bill'.

Fleetwood, you get no sympathy because you're still smoking but then I'm still eating chocolate so we're even. The cows would probably knock you over if you were thin.

I will do that Kath. I haven't been round to anyone's blog for 4 days. That's a real worry, me not caring about my computer and the blog.

River, I know exactly what you mean. I had a breakdown and the memory lingers on even though it was a long time ago. I've had reasonably good health for 7 years but this year has been the pits.

Lord Sedgwick said...

"I had to severely slap myself around last night"

You'll always be my favourite ole slapper ... and hot choc Malteaser.

"I'm taking all of them until my glass becomes half full again." - with Bombay Sapphire. Dr Snake Oil Sedgwick's infallible panacea ... for which I was awarded the Nobel prize for Peace, Harmony and Leglessness.

That's So Pants said...

Hi Coppie

I like Tim Tam - Ms O'Dyne laughs at me for only having the one.



phil said...

"this too shall pass"

Actualy Phil didn't say that but his mother used to...a lot.

Jayne said...

I'll take the chocolate off your hands, J, but you can keep the Tim Tams...or shove them down Melody's gullet ;)

JahTeh said...

People stare when one is drinking water from the Bombay bottle and it is water. Parcel on its way to you.

I admire your strength Ms Pants, one of anything is not applicable to me. I avert my eyes when passing the mint slice biscuits (I don't count them as chocolate)as the only way to eat them is all at once with a huge pot of black coffee. I'm silly enough as it is without a choc/coffee high.

So does a choc/coffee high Phil and not in a pretty way. Hope you're settling in okay, I'll be round later.

Not a Tim Tam lover either Jayne?
I mean two blocks and a whole packet a day, the mind boggles. They used to list the diet of the first winners of WeightWatchers (in the early days)and those people didn't really have to diet just stop eating a whole fruitcake for afternoon tea and a loaf of bread for breakfast.

Middle Child said...

Well there ye go...agree 100% on all...but I'm mad these days so what the heck.

Ann O'Dyne said...

I can never believe those "just a half-hour walk each day" slimmers.
Today and yesterday I mowed lawns for hours and I know it caused no weight loss at all. I guess it was ruined by that one TamTim that Pants let me have while we watched the Hollowmen.

peace and love to you dear Coppy, and I bless big-Pharma.