GETTING BETTER

Sometimes when you're down, some small thing picks you up, like a neighbour calling in with a slice of pavlova with cream, strawberries and passionfruit. I may put her in my will as I've been living on toast, tea and sulphur drugs for days. She did ask if I was still on a diet but in this situation what else could I do but lie.

This is bad as I'm a recovering fat person, in other words, I'm not really fat because I'm losing.
I'm down from the size of a small island to a small house. Every morning my higher consciousness tells me, today you will be a loser. Then my organic brain kicks in telling me where I hid the chocolate from last shopping day. Yes, I know life would be simpler if I didn't buy it in the first place but I hate disappointing those highly paid consultants who place them in the most strategic spot for fat people to see.

There is a light on the horizon for those of us with defective mouth syndrome (it's the old joke - it swallows everything you put in it). Developed in the US is a robot that nags fat people about their diet and exercise and warns you not to eat that cheesecake.

The robot in the shape of a dog would use a pedometer, bathroom scales and a PDA to gather information about weight, activity and eating habits. According to New Scientist, studies have shown that people who accurately record what they eat and how much they exercise are more likely to keep their weight down. (HaHaHa)

The robot has been programmed to exhibit four different behaviours, representing lethargy, energy and two stages in between. If you have stuck to your daily calouries, robodog will jump up and down, wag his tail, play vibrant music and flash brightly coloured LEDs. If you've been bad, robosnitch will move slowly and lethargically and play low-energy music. They're testing it on fatties next year.

I think I would last about 3 days before I kicked little robo right up its brightly flashing LEDs. It could be useful in other ways. If I was clever I could solder a basket to its back, shove $10 in its mouth and send it out for coffee and muffins. Not good for my weight but it's the small things that make me happy.