MORE ME

My sister said I should put more of me into my posts. That's too scary for me to even think about much less write about. I've got more locked dungeon doors in my mind than Drac's castle and I don't need little cheery sunbeams illuminating my children of the night.

On the other hand, since yesterday I had to front up to Centrelink with the usual trunkload of documents to prove who I am. Yes, I am still the fat crippled throw-away wife I was five years ago and please could you not take away the handsome amount of money our benevolent system allows me to exist on. I find nobody has updated my file since 2000 and I am still separated with numerous bank accounts and fixed deposits, I wish. (My worst nightmare to find I am still married to him) This throws me into forgetting when the divorce was finalised, I have to work back to when he left then go forward to when he re-married. So shaking, stuttering and looking totally unlike a cool, calm welfare scammer, I finally left the building. If I never forgive you for anything, it will be turning me into a beggar at the government's table. I haven't forgotten your parting words about getting a DSP with my rotten health because you didn't intend to give me a penny. I haven't forgotten you wanting me to turn back the separation because the blonde had booked the wedding too early. I haven't forgotten you walking in and out of this house as though you still owned it and me. I haven't forgotten your words at your wedding about not having a past just a glorious future. Well I walked by the grave of your past yesterday and I know you've never been there once. Does your glorious future ever contain one thought of him?

Out of kindness for your mother, I will keep up the illusion of friendship because it makes her happy. When she goes, I will never speak or think of you again. I hate the fact that I have to smile when I talk to you instead of ripping your throat out. I hate pretending I'm the same pathetic person you walked over on your way out. I hate writing this because it still ties me to you.