DARK GREY TO BLACK

I have just had my heart torn out, crushed, run over by a mac truck and bulldozed back into the black hole I'd just managed to reach the top of. I can't cry anymore, I did that from the front gate to the front door. Now I have to start climbing again. I can't even eat my way out, there's not a chocolate bar in any of the usual hiding places. I hate having a social conscience, I know there are people out there much worse off than me but give me five minutes of utter misery and then I'll start thinking of them again. Sense of humour hasn't quite deserted me this time. I could go on a cookie binge since Melbourne weight-loss experts have developed a new guilt-free cookie. It consists of seaweed, green tea, soy, cinnamon and palm fruit. It also contains wholewheat flour, oatmeal, golden syrup, eggs and dates. They have 60 per cent less saturated fat and trans fatty acids, 80 per cent moe protein 25 per cent less carbohydrates and 40 per cent less salt. And they contain less than one third the saturated fat of an average chocolate biscuit. If I want to know more I can go to www.heathyeatingclub.org. Are you kidding? Person in emotional pain here!! Person in need of boxes of tissues and large, large boxes of chocolates not bloody seaweed. Damn, where's the swear tin? I'm not a fish, I'm shattered, unconsolable (inconsolable?). I'd kick the cat but I think it's dying, nup it's started to breathe again, just as well I can't afford the vet. Back to me and my broken heart in need of a cookie binge which I am not going to get. What kind of demented moron designs seaweed and green tea cookies? And palm fruit? I thought dates were palm fruit. I bet the demented moron is thin and emotionally healthy. I might feel better if I could stuff Dr Soo's Most Nutritious Biscuit into his nearest available orifice. Now there's a blowfly in the room, annoying bludger and that goes for the huntsman spider in the corner. The only reason you're alive mate is to eat the flies, now do it or you're on the list with Dr Soo for orifice stuffing.

Gerry, you're right, there is a God, I've just remembered the port. A hangover is just what I need to take my mind off seaweed and black holes.