THE COCKROACH UPDATE

I nearly changed that title because my guttermind suddenly started laughing and you can figure it out for yourself.

I have a beautiful dreamcatcher hanging over my bed, in the window because I like to sleep in moonlight and nothing else. (insert any 'whale on the beach' jokes here) I made this myself from gold wire and feathers I've picked up in the park from native birds. None of those dyed rubbishy feathers from China, good 'fallen out of the bird naturally' pretty coloured feathers. I also added crystals which give me rainbows on the ceiling without any chemical assistance.

Dreamcatchers are supposed to catch the bad dreams and let the good ones through. Still haven't got the right tattslotto number yet. It is not supposed to be a resting place for a giant black cockroach. Whatever that ad is for the cockroach spray on tv at the moment, you know the one where the kid is in danger from a zillion cockroach germs until Mum splatts it with whatever. That must be some other country's cockroach, ours are not little brown things, ours are big, black and shiny, huge more than big.

So I have a dreamcaught cockroach and nightmares already about it falling into my hair in the middle of the night. The only way to get it is to hop on the bed, put a plastic bag over the roach and spray it. Slight problem, getting on the bed is a major thing with me. I have to climb on the blanket box, throw a leg over the cast iron bed-end and walk to the other end, carrying plastic bag and spray. Don't ask why I didn't put them at the top of the bed in the first place, I'm in kill mode, not think mode. And after all that and half a tin of spray, the critter shoots out of the plastic bag, drops to the floor and disappears. I have a queen size bed, it's not on wheels, I can't move it and the thing is under there.

We need the big guns. Surface spray around the carpet under the bed and hope it doesn't cross the barrier and starves to death. I, on the other hand will be breathing in carcinogens all night and won't last any longer than the roach. Memories of that X-files episode with the robot cockroaches springs to mind. Where is Muldar when I need him?

Totally away from cockies. I have been to see my M-I-L who is now totally confused because I went on the wrong day. Sitting at Frankston station and watching teenagers stroll past, I am asking myself the most fundamental question of the universe, 'What in hell is holding up their pants?' Girls have hips but the jeans don't go past them. Boys don't have hips and half don't have backsides either. They keep mobiles, money and keys in pockets but their pants don't fall down. The law of gravity is in question, which brings me to another question, 'Why don't their mouths fall open with the weight of all those steel piercings?' I tell you travelling on trains these days can really give you a headache.