Saturday, February 10, 2007


Well if it was some fictitious street in some fictitious neighbourhood then I would have Henry on one side and someone equally as delicious on the other.

Instead I have been blessed with a controlling nag on one side and a pain in the arse on the other.

Controlling nag comes in this afternoon wanting to know if I've heard a duck quacking at night. It's keeping her awake so naturally she's hunting it down. Quickly hiding my trusty duck hunter quacker maker, I tell her no. Deprived of a witness to this nocturnal Daffy, she decides to have a go at my tree on the fence line.

Given it is not the most beautiful of trees but it was free and it's a battler in summer and winter, I don't mind it. I mean anything that grows in this garden without food and water is a survivor and should be given a medal not insults about its ragged shaggy mangy branches. I like its leaves that look like a deranged Rasta after a particularly good smoke.

I think this was the real reason for the visit. She's re-doing her garden, Yuccas and cactus and my monster is peering over her fence. I've already cut down two trees on the fence to please her although I wouldn't have if I hadn't wanted to and cut down the pine tree to please the arsehole on the other side so this one's staying.

My Feng Shui book says I should put up mirrors to deflect negative energies away from the house. If I deflected her negative energy I'd have enough mirrors up to guide the space shuttle back to earth. Whining bitch has been this way ever since I first met her. I've watched every woman in the street fight with her but never bothered myself. I learnt long ago that punching marshmallows gets you nowhere.

I allow her to remain superior in her own mind, anything that small should be cared for. Besides she's older than me and in nature's way should die first. I'm sorry the cat's too old to climb the fence and piss on her Yuccas.


Anonymous said...

Gee, Henry's looking really pissed off.

I like you're compassion, really commendable ie, 'anything that small should be cared for'. She's obviously not small enough though. Imagine if we could shrink people, a 6 inch John Howard? Do you think anyone would notice? Would it make any difference if we suddenly awoke to a 6 inch Prime Minister?

Fire up the cauldron, JahTeh.


Meredith Jones said...

Not Ramsay St, no, but closer to Wisteria Lane? You'd better watch out, perhaps she has bodies in the toy box, or intellectually challenged children locked in the basement.

Andrew said...

Life is too short to have ugly trees around. Get rid of it and plant a nice one. Since it is a problem for neighbour, she will happily contribute. Yeah, right.

Anonymous said...

No tree is ugly; they just have different features.

And life is too short to cut down a tree and wait for a new one to grew!

JahTeh said...

Geez Link, a 6 inch John Howard, I thought he was a much smaller prick than that.
Henry's only pissed off because I'm not with him.

Meredith, she's one of life's organizers, but only to the way she wants it. She called most of the teenagers in the street, sluts and gee, guess whose 30+ daughter has children to different fathers and is still single.

Not in a million years would I chop that tree down although checking through the Feng Shui book, if I did and didn't go through the chopping down a tree ritual, I would be putting my neighbours at risk of losing their teeth. Too late, her teeth are like stars, they come out at night.

Anonymous, this woman planted a Magnolia Grandiflora on the nature strip and complains to the council about the footpath being uneven. Now that's a glorious tree and handy, when it flowers, I know hot weather's on the way.

Eric said...

Choosing the right perfume can be difficult and because it is also considered an intimate gift buying the wrong perfume can backfire on you and get you the opposite result of that which you hoped for.

The first thing you need to do is do some homework, meaning research. Look at your lady's perfume bottles, the ones that are nearly empty will be her favorites. If there is one there that is nearly full chances are she doesn't wear it often or doesn't like it. Hint around and ask her what types of fragrances she likes and dislikes.

Humans are very sensory oriented and our sense of smell is no different. Certain perfumes can elicit strong reactions in both the wearer and the person reacting to the scent. Perfumes are made not only to attract but to also relax someone. If you aren't totally sure what kind of perfume to buy you can always play it safe and get something in the aromatherapy line. If you go this route, bear in mind that vanilla scents are considered to relax and a peppermint or lemon scent will be more stimulating.

Middle Child said...

'anything that small should be cared for' Love this... and will not doubt be able to use this one day...oh the blessings of surburban life...our neighbouts are 4 acres away each side (we live on a flood plain) and the sniping (amongst the menfolk) as to who should be clearing the drains or getting rid of rubbish is a own male has names for the other four people in this rural street..."The Hillbilly", who doesn't time anything except the bowling green in front of his house; "The Mayor" whisch needs no explaining; The goat farmer - also self explanatory and the "Cocky farmer" who hails originally from Melbourne...

They probably call him that cranky old man in the wheelchair - most likely much worse...

It would only yake a small spark to set them all off...

how do you manage at such close quarters?


JahTeh said...

Thank you Eric for your tips about perfume but I don't think I'll click your profile. Make mine Opium.

Middlechild, a lot of the others have become upwardly mobile and one particularly noxious family went to one of those highrise luxury jobs at Port Melbourne and that's the one thing that will keep me far from the high living. This little suburban street has been a living laboratory for human behaviour, Wisteria Lane is a kindergarten. Take the nag's husband who confided to me that he thought the two blokes in the corner house were gay because one was watching the other mow the lawn without a shirt. I reminded him of who was watching the watcher.

R.H. said...

Eric's got some good tips.

JahTeh said...

Rh, I like men who wear citrus and nothing else.

I made the 100 at Bwca's