Saturday, August 21, 2010

A small problem just over the horizon

It's been a crap week where it's been too hard to think to write and it's not going to get any better. I've been thinking of closing down the blog for a while to give me a chance to either have the breakdown that's hovering or getting some counselling which I hate doing. I always lie to the counsellors, I can't help it, I just can't open up to some stranger any more than I can to friends.
I try not to bother friends at all.
I know what's wrong, I just don't know how to fix it and deep down I believe that it is unfixable.
For one thing I blame the weather, I haven't been this cold for years.
I can't blame Ma, she's having a ball in spite of oldies dropping off the twig left, right and centre.
It must be nice to be medicated up to the eyeballs with morphine.
Too much time at the home is pushing my empathy button too the limit. How do you stop your self from thinking "I'd hate this, I'd really hate this" and then go ahead to make someone's day a bit easier instead of turning around and walking out. My sister can do this, walks through and never looks to right or left.
The point is I want to do that, I want to walk out and not be thinking of what I can bring on the next visit for someone. I spent yesterday filling a pretty bag with barely used nail polish for one lady who had a stroke at 50 and has been in there for 12 years. She has beautiful nails and the girls always make sure she has a manicure. I'm not telling you this to make myself out to be a saint but this is how I can't stop helping in spite of the fact that I want to go away and never look back.
Today had another memory creep up when I went to vote at the school. I went back to the '75 election. Up at 4 a.m. to get the banners in the best spot, our job as we were the closest to the school. It was an ugly election and people were ugly about it. As I walked through all I could see was my kid, everywhere was another part of him and I felt bits breaking off me until I could leave, never to darken the doorway until the next election.
Earlier in the week, I had a slap down from a neighbour who has been doing this kind of thing for over 30 years. She is a master at the soft voice with the iron piss-off wrapped in it. I had jokingly told her husband about the fall and said I nearly rang his number for him to come and pick me up. Now that is a joke since he is about six inches shorter than me and if I was hurt I'd be ringing the ambos. Next time I pick up the phone there is a message from the wife. They go to bed early and take the phone off the hook so they're not disturbed but she'll give me the number just in case, and the mobile number. She'll be in to speak to me at some stage about it. In other words, we'll help but not if we can get out of it and we don't answer the phone anyway.

So the heart of it all is that I am alone but not yet alone enough to deal with being alone.


Ann ODyne said...

Everyone who has had a 3am drama KNOWS 'We Are All Alone'.
I wouldn't dream of disturbing my friends for help in the middle of the night, or whatever. and that how it goes.'What we do get from friends is The Strength to cope on our own.
Didn't we learn a lot from witnessing the meteor that was Diana? tall slim rich blonde pretty, jewellery, enormous social life - she had all the things we think we want - and we saw that it was a pile of ordure. she was unhappy. everybody is unhappy.

Please summon up the strength to not visit The Home this week. Not even once, not even briefly. Do not go. As you said, she is happy as a junkie blissed out on morphia.

use the time to write 1500 words on The Four Stages Of Grief.
It could be a great post, but don't write it with that in mind.

while you are outlining it, Google 'unresolved conflict'.
A therapist would call these the baby-steps. You'll get there.
Knowledge Is Power.
mwah mwah

PS the daughter I never see, slaved her face off to care for her ageing Nan, while The Errant Son played on another continent. When Nana carked and left The Loot, he swept it and snatched the lot from the devoted grand-daughter. the lot.
He has no guilt, and neither should you.

Anonymous said...

Do less of what you don't like doing and more of what you enjoy. Interesting remark about the 75 election. I am about to mention it too in my election post. Friends were once called by a neighbour who's husband had collapsed in the shower. They really struggled to get him up and out, knocked him around a bit and one of them hurt their back. It is a task best left to the professionals.

River said...

I know that all alone feeling. Unlike you though, I have family I can call on who will come running, or at least send an ambulance if needed.
Is there no-one at all who can stay with you in your home sometimes?
Your neighbour sounds like a bitch.

R.H. said...

I voted for The Sex Party, and left them my address. Now I'm waiting. I'm not sure who'll they'll send around but it better be fair dinkum: I put measurements on the slip.
I've felt the cold this winter, the last two weeks especially, I'm fed up with it! Don't go to the nursing home so often, there's no need. Keep posting, people rely on you.

Big woman.

Myst_72 said...

I understand the alone feeling you describe ~ even though I live in a house with 3 others...

Maybe you should tell the neighbour you'll offer them the same courtesy!
What's with that? As if you have asked for their help so many times before....grrr...


JahTeh said...

Annie O, after the latest 3.a.m drama, I'll have no trouble being on my own. I'd have hated being Diana, never knowing which friend was about to sell you out next.

Hot Andrew, you are quite right. Now if I could just remember what it was that I liked doing that didn't involve winning Tattslotto.

River, I am impossible to live with and I like being alone and what I said to the husband was a joke. The woman has always been like this and the only time I have called on them for help is getting the cats to the vet until I found out that a taxi will do it if you order a cat loving driver.

Robbert, I'm impressed, you could still get a measurement even in this cold weather. Poster boy for the sex party.

As I've said G, I don't mind the alone bit, it was the phone call that put my back up. Karma is good though, she spent years telling me how not to yell at the boys, speaking softly was much better but now she has grandsons and the mouth is really getting a work out.
It's music to my ears.

Kath Lockett said...

I'm with everyone here, esp RH who urges you to keep blogging. I know that it has helped me during some very dark times because sometimes you don't want to open up to a 'professional' or to your friends, but somehow (I don't know why) writing about it helps.

I understand too your compulsion to help others at the home but take a week off. No bad will come of you doing that and you need to recuperate.

Link said...

It is very cold this winter and dreary and there's some truly horrible planetary configurations happening right now.

Only a small but persistent part of you feels like you do, (or did) there is so much more that doesn't feel that way at all. Indeed it feels quite good really. So where to? You get to decide. You can go with the LCD or you can rise above the inner naffs. I think rising above is really more your style.

Jayne said...

Darls, you are better off without those neighbours sticking their noses inside your front door cos that biatch judged you as she would behave and found, not you, but herself very much lacking.
If that's not a ringing endorsement to erect the moat and drawbridge, I don't know what is!
Don't hesitate to call the ambos - they have nice medication to make you forget the pain and embarrassment of being caught in your nightie.

JahTeh said...

Kath Lockett telling someone to take a week off when she's out in rain and shine picking up other people's litter. Recuperating for me means not pushing the button that takes me to your damn chocolate blog. Why did you ever mention Lindt White with almonds?

Link, it's been the coldest winter for ages but tonight is the full moon and I'm always good for a full moon, strange being a Leo but watching that lovely big orb rising always makes me feel better.

Jayne, it's only because of the cold that I've been wearing a nightie, it usually hangs on the bottom of the bed. She's one of those people you can't fight, it's like punching marshmallows, gets you nowhere.

R.H. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
R.H. said...

I have no idea what brought that on or what it was about.

Public intellectual.

Middle Child said...

Same here - if I fall i fall and i have but not as dramatically as you fall...I am lucky with two girls who love and care but are far away - they'd twig after a day or so I wasn't answering -
Listen up here - only good people care, and the more you care the more you hurt - and as hard as it is, and as much as you'd just like to walk away - you can't - but for all the hurt from loving and being a good person - at least you have lived in your life...not so those who can turn away and not care - they are not what civililsation is all about...
but look after yourself first okay because ...just because